


Nevermore

by emarosa



Series: all the fear and the fire [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Alec Lightwood, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Psychological Trauma, Slow Burn, Teenagers, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 38,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emarosa/pseuds/emarosa
Summary: In a world where overpopulation means that there isn't enough resources to support everyone, with starvation and crime running rampant, a solution was needed that would work quickly and effectively.-Alexander Lightwood is a Raven, a loyal soldier to the Clave. His days consist of helping to ensure that the human population stays within reasonable margins and that those apart of that population contribute to the betterment of society.To someone like Magnus Bane, Ravens are monsters that rip children from their families, murderers hiding behind the guise of a government entity to justify their actions. Little does he know, he will soon be swept into a growing rebellion against the Clave, changing his life forever.





	1. Hello, World

"They're doing a random testing today," Catarina whispered to Magnus, head low as they walked through the busy hallways.

"Who told you that?" It was difficult to keep his voice low with news like that, it took everything in his power to not freeze in terror at that one sentence.

"There were some Crows in the main office, they're not exactly discrete," she replied, eyeing the students around her wearily. Testing days were never good days. Those were the days that some people didn't leave the building alive. 

Magnus pulled at his tie, as if loosening it would make the clenching feeling in his chest go away. He wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his uniform, and Catarina was quick to harshly grab his arm, pulling them both to the side. 

"Hey, look at me. Nothing is going to happen." 

"Don't lie to me, you can't promise that," he said, not even bothering to hide the tremble in his voice.

"If you act strange, you're going to stand out, and that's the last thing you need right now." Cat had grabbed his shoulders firmly, shaking him slightly to force him to look into her eyes. "Ragnor would want you to be strong right now. I know you're scared, but whatever happens, he would want you to be strong."

Magnus swallowed back his incoming tears, his throat tight and dry, like he was suffocating on the air around him. Ragnor was the reason he was panicking, and thinking of him now did nothing to help.

Because when Ragnor had been alive, the three of them had all believed that they were invincible. There was no way any of them would be selected to be Culled, they had never done anything wrong, always played by the rules, gotten acceptable grades. It was supposed to be the delinquents, the kids who simply gave up, or purposely rebelled against the norm. It was supposed to be them, because when you've always done everything right, how can you deserve to die?

Ragnor had never hurt a soul. He had done everything by the book, and then some. And how did that turn out for him?

But that was the game. A game that Magnus thought he used to understand. And, oh, how he was sorely mistaken. When that Crow had walked into the room, everyone tensing in their seats. How she had deliberately, and slowly, walked down the row of desks, purposely looking to the back of the room. How when she had stopped-

"Magnus! C'mon, let's just get to class and get this over with."

-

Alec watched with disinterest as Lydia debriefed some Crows, whose eyes were wide and attentive, overeager to take her every word as gospel. He wondered if he had ever been like that, so desperate to please. Or, at least, so blatantly obvious about it. He couldn't remember what it was like to be young and naive again. He didn't try to think too much of it, because anytime he thought too long about the past, his vision would get fuzzy and he'd end up with a killer migraine that'd last the rest of the day.

"Why are we even here? Surely we're above babysitting duty?" Brooklyn asked him, not even bothering to be quiet. Alec suppressing a smile as some of the Crows took offense to his words.

Lydia, standing front and center of the mission room, acted like she hadn't heard anything. All the Doves were like this, with their pristine white suits and carefully styled hair. They were flawless, but they also knew not to get on the bad side of a Raven. Doves stayed protected behind the Institute walls, not risking getting their manicured hands dirty with field work. Their job was to fill out reports and assign missions, as well as regulate incoming Crows and assess them to see if they had what it took to advance on to become Ravens or forever do the grunt work. 

An unregulated position. Those that made it that far, which were few and far between, were never told what to do. So, when Alec and Brooklyn had been asked to go to the mission room, he was disappointed it was for something as trivial as this. 

Leaning against the wall, he felt himself start to zone out as Lydia continued to blab on about god knows what. Brooklyn wasn't even standing at this point, and instead was laying on the ground, his legs up against the wall. Alec was tempted to join him. 

"When we arrive at the school, it is imperative that you do not make mistakes. In here, during training, a little slip-up is tolerated. Out there, you represent the Clave, so you need to be better than perfect. Dismissed." 

As the Crows dispersed, heading towards the weapons room, Lydia stormed over to them. 

"It would be appreciated if you were a little more professional in front of the first-years," she commented, keeping her tone level. 

"It would be appreciated if you saved us some time and just told us what you want us to do, seeing as you are clearly incapable of doing it yourself," Alec retorted.

"I need you to go with on their first Testing assignment. We have good reason to believe there's a rebel uprising in this sector of the state-" 

She was cut off by Brooklyn dramatically getting up, grabbing Alec's hand to pull himself up, and then making a show of feeling up Alec's chest. At this point, he didn't even bother hiding the smirk from his face as Lydia tensed, trying her hardest to not show her distaste. 

Brooklyn spun around, giving the Dove a dazzling smile. "Why, of course. We are thrilled to be of service." 

With that, she glared at them both, and then stiffly walked away with her head held high.

"One of these days she's going to lose it." Alec looked over to his best friend, the only one he had in this goddamn place. 

"Serves her homophobic ass. I was hoping to get more of a rise out of her, though," Brooklyn sighed, a slight pout on his face.

"It's kinda hard to top that time I gave you a lap dance because I knew she had reserved that conference room." 

"I don't even know why she got so riled up about that. You didn't even take your shirt off." Brook raised a hand to rub at his temples, a tell that he was peeved at having been woken up so early to have to sit through a pointless meeting. 

Alec scoffed. "I want to make her mad, I don't want to kill her." He grabbed the brunet's arm, dragging him in the direction of the kitchen. If he didn't caffeinate him before they got on the road it would be a miserable trip.

"Well, I do. Also, since I know how much you love gossip, you know Jace Wayland and Clary Fray? They're back together."

Alec moved to the hot water dispenser, filling up a mug and then plopping a tea bag in it, handing it over before brewing some coffee for himself. 

"How long did this breakup last? Two days?" He looked over, laughing to himself as he saw Brooklyn holding on to his mug of green tea like it was a lifeline. 

"Mmm. Probably, at this point, if I try to keep track I get whiplash."

Brooklyn continued to fill him in on all the latest gossip on the other Ravens at their Institute as they finished their respective beverages before moving to get on the bus. It was buzzing with chatter, but fell dead silent as the two moved to take a seat near the front. Brooklyn had shoved himself in front of Alec to get the window seat, like he always did, and Alec let him, like he always did. The two had always had an unspoken synchronization since their Crow days, and had been inseparable ever since. Contrary to popular belief, they weren't dating. But Brooklyn had never complained or tried to stop the rumors, so neither did he. When they were promoted to Ravens, and assigned each other as partners and roommates, it just made sense. They could trust each other, no matter what. Even though neither could remember their past quite clearly as the years passed, they remembered the security they found in each other. 

As the bus began moving, Brook pressed his forehead against the window, squeezing his eyes shut. Alec brought up a hand to run it through his dark brown hair, knowing how much the other hated riding in vehicles. He knew this, because he had been vomited on enough times by his motion-sick companion. 

-

Magnus sat at his desk, hands nervously clenching his knees. He stared at the tablet that had been set in front of him, wishing the proctor would just let them start already. Everyone already knew that cheating was an automatic fail, and that there were no bathroom breaks allowed. He felt dizzy with the desperation to just get it over with already. 

And, when it did finally start, he answered the questions automatically, not trying to think too long on whether he got them right or wrong. The math section wasn't so bad this time, but he didn't want to give himself false confidence. 

And, soon enough, it was over. The test wasn't meant to be long, but concise. Tailored to try and exploit any weaknesses, find the weakest in the herd. When his screen fell black, Magnus looked up, meeting the nervous gazes of all his other classmates that had finished. There were still a few hacking away, so he took a deep breath, looking over to see Catarina giving him an encouraging smile. 

He resorted to looking out the window and watching the clouds drift by, trying not to obsess over the slowly moving second-hand on the clock. It was only at the sound of the door clicking open that snapped him out of his daze, his posture straightening as a Crow entered the room. If the entirely black uniform wasn't intimidating enough, a long, shining blade sat strapped into a thigh holster. Magnus wondered how practical it was, or if it really was just for looks. He also wasn't eager to find out anytime soon. 

"This class is dismissed for the day," it announced, face just as blank and emotionless as its tone. Just like that, it turned and left, like it had never been there. 

"See? I told you it would be fine," Cat smiled, and this time the happiness and relief reached her eyes. 

Later that day, they would find out a boy, just a freshman, was drug out of a classroom while his twin sister had tried to intervene. The disturbance had caused a Raven to appear, ripping the siblings apart before snapping the girl's neck in front of everyone. 

The news had sent waves of shock through everyone. It was hard enough to wrap his head around the fact that there had been a  _Raven_ here, at their school, but also the message that had been sent with said Raven's actions.

Do not interfere with the Clave and their business, or suffer the consequences. 


	2. Aftershock

Brooklyn laid on his bed, eyes staring holes into the ceiling. When this happened, Alec wondered why he didn't feel anything but a deep gnawing feeling in his chest. It wasn't even numbness, but the lack thereof, that made him wonder if he was broken in some way. He would never voice these thoughts aloud, but he knew he wasn't alone as he watched his roommate clench his fists so hard that his blunt nails made his palms bleed. At one point in time, he had tried to stop him, but he knew that he needed this. He needed it the same way Alec would split his knuckles from striking the punching bag from hitting it so hard he was certain he had broken his hands. Because being so unbothered was haunting, especially when you could see the looks of terror from other kids your age, hear their screams and quiet sobs. 

It was normal until you went outside the Institute walls.

There was a reason Alec kept doing this. Deep down, he knew he was protecting someone, and that person was worth signing his life away to the Clave. He wished he could remember their face, but all he has is a distant memory of a laugh, and the scent of cherry blossoms. He could remember the emotions he felt, how overwhelmingly powerful they were, but when you followed the strings they were connected to it was a dead end. The string was frayed, as if it were torn by a harsh force repeatedly, not even close to being cut cleanly. It had whispers of the truth in those frayed ends, but the truth was dangerous. The truth would upend everything his life depended on. 

He and Brooklyn, had talked about it briefly, in hushed whispers. It wasn't something that any other Raven had ever brought up or even hinted at, but the thought of talking openly about it seemed like a dumb idea. It was obvious the Clave controlled them with a clawed hand. Their lack of long-term memory made them vulnerable, because the second they started feeling any doubt in their loyalties, they forgot what had planted those doubts in the first place. 

If they rebelled and left this place, Alec knew they wouldn't last long in the real world. Their reflexes were deadly, and they had no place trying to fit in where they weren't welcome. The Institute was the only place where they would be sheltered, fed. 

And suddenly, Alec lost his train of thought. He tried to grasp it as it ran away from him, but it was a fruitless effort. He looked over to Brooklyn, who was sitting up in his bed, staring down at his palms. They had streaks of blood that ran down his wrist, crimson on his fingertips as if he had dipped them into paint. 

He got up, grabbing the first aid kit, and started the cleanup effort. Whatever wounds had been there had already healed themselves, not even leaving behind the faintest scar. There was blood on the sheets, and on the concrete floor as well, but they would just have to fit in with the other stains varying in shades of red to brown. 

"Do you remember what..." Brooklyn spoke, dark eyes staring into his, "What crying feels like?"

He didn't have an answer, didn't even know where to begin with answering a question like that. So, instead, he pulled his friend into a hug, both of them clutching each other's shirts with a death grip. Moments like this, were the only grounding experience they could get in their fleeting lives. 

-

"I thought Ravens were supposed to only be for super serious situations. Why the hell would they be at our school?" Isabelle Lightwood, in all her glory, had roped Magnus and Catarina with her after school one day. They ended up at Maia's house of all places, because Luke wouldn't mind their presence. Obviously, Maia was there, along with Raphael and Simon. The group of them were scattered throughout Maia's basement, some sitting on the tattered couches and others on the floor. 

"I've never heard of a Raven being present during a Testing day," Raphael commented. Simon and him were cuddled together on the floor, and Magnus had a whisper of thought of how he missed being in a relationship. But those were dangerous, bad ideas, caring for someone that could easily be ripped from you the next day with no warning. Raphael and Simon both knew this, but it was never acknowledged, a forbidden topic. 

"Well, seeing as no one really even knows what they do, I don't think we should overthink this." Maia glanced nervously out the window, like the Clave itself was going to burst into the room at any second.

"Everyone knows what the Ravens do. They're the sociopaths that the Clave sends to do their dirty work. What if this means something significant? There was a reason he was there! What if this means-"

"Stop, Izzy. Please don't do this to yourself," Catarina had walked over to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. "You know that every attempt at a rebellion has ended badly. I know you want revenge, but he wouldn't want you to risk your life digging into something that might not even be happening."

A tear rolled down her cheek, and Izzy slouched back against the couch.

"I just miss him so much. It's been almost four years... I d-don't understand, w-why-" her words stuttered as she fell apart, shoulders trembling. Catarina hugged her tighter, rubbing circles on her back. 

"Alec loved you. So much," Simon spoke up, "and he would hate to see you in pain after this much time. What happened will never change, but he would want you to remember the happy memories. He wouldn't want you to remember how he went, and he deserves to be remembered for something other than that."

Magnus had only briefly met Alec a few times while hanging out with Izzy over the years. Her older brother was protective of her, he knew that much, but was like a shadow. Quite and unobtrusive, he was easy to miss if you weren't paying attention. He remembered him as a gentle giant, going out to buy them snacks once, and always gave them small smiles in passing. When he had heard the news, that the Crows had... It was unimaginable, and it had taken Isabelle a long time to smile again after that. 

"He's in a better place, now," Catarina reminded her, and she nodded, furiously wiping away her tears. 

-

"There's an all-staff meeting in the west conference room at nine," Jace told Alec at breakfast. 

"What about?" 

"Probably about the whispers of a rebellion forming. If it's anything like the last twenty times, it'll be a group of maybe five people thinking they have what it takes to overthrow a centuries old government. Easy to handle," the blond continued, shoveling his cereal in his mouth and talking at the same time. Alec was certain the disgust showed on his face, but he didn't care enough to tell him to stop. 

"What Doves are chairing?" Brooklyn asked.

"Imogen and Lydia. If you're going to antagonize them, please draw it out. It'll keep things way more interesting," Clary butted in, and Brooklyn shared a moment with her where both their eyes filled with a dangerous amount of mischief.

"What am I being dragged into, now?" Alec turned, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know. It's Thursday. How far can I go without making you uncomfortable?" And, yeah, that was a question that definitely told him everything he needed to know.

"How does it being a Thursday have to do with anything?" Jace had paused midway from lifting another spoonful to his mouth.

"Oh, darling. It has everything to do with anything."

-

Magnus was glad when winter break finally came around, because it gave him an excuse to spend the entire first day of it in bed, unmoving. Catarina wouldn't approve, but she wasn't here to stop him. 

He ignored any and all texts sent to his phone, instead choosing to pretend that his reality around him wasn't bursting at the seams. That Isabelle's growing obsession with the Raven wasn't planting seeds of fear into his very being. That those seeds had quickly germinated, taking root and not daring to let go. It wasn't good for his mental health, but laying there and doing nothing, mindlessly scrolling on his phone... It didn't require any thought, and that was what he needed at the moment. 

The next day, however, Raphael of all people had showed up on his doorstep. He had forced Magnus to take a shower, and then forced him to converse with him about meaningless topics that neither of them really had a strong opinion about. It was Raphael's own way of saying that he was worried about him, and that he cared about his well-being without outright saying it. And Magnus didn't push him away, because he did appreciate the effort. He was glad that he had people in his life that cared, because he didn't know how he could do this without them. 

-

"I actually think it's a good thing we're not dating." Brooklyn was observing his appearance in the mirror, fingers running over the dark bruises that were beginning to form. 

"I'm going to pretend that comment doesn't hurt," Alec feigned a phantom chest pain, dramatically throwing himself back onto the bed. 

"Okay, we both know that we're not each other's type. Secondly, can you imagine the kind of trouble we would get up to?"

"You mean actually fucking in the conference room instead of just pretending?" Alec sat up again. 

"Exactly! And to think, all this started because Lydia Blandwell tried to make a move on you. If she hadn't reacted so badly to you preferring-" his sentence was cut off with a squeal as Alec threw a pillow at him.

"You're just keeping up this charade because you love making people angry," he pointed out.

Brook moved to sit across from him, making a show of propping his chin on his hand, leaning forward. "May I remind you that this was originally your idea, and that life here would be so boring if we didn't aim to make every homophobe in this building apply for a transfer."

"I'm just surprised we haven't been charged with harassment yet."

"Yeah, they're totally going to risk upsetting not one, but  _two_ of us. I also have the perfect speech about the oppression of gays in government positions, and how they really need to be more accepting if they expect us to risk our lives to protect the Clave," Brooklyn stated, matter-of-factly. His love for drama was a health hazard, because Brook liked to push people to the point where they would swing a punch at them. He was overly confrontational, seeking the rush of adrenaline and the chance to fight someone without holding back. 

His friend had a habit of endangering his life in the field as well, but Alec tried not to read into it too much. He just made sure to back him up, because the only way to go out is together or not at all. 

"Well, it's officially 9:08, you ready?" he reached out a hand as he stood, laughing as Brooklyn took it and led them out into the hall.  


	3. Thursday

Alec and Brooklyn stumbled into the meeting room, giggling and holding onto each other as they tripped over their own feet. Lydia and Imogen, their Head of Institute, were stood at the front of the room, and while Imogen managed to keep her expression schooled... Well, Lydia appeared to be clenching her jaw so hard that her teeth might just crack under pressure. 

The other ravens in the room either didn't react at all (because this was nothing new, to be honest) or mildly hid their amusement. They made their way to their seats, but made sure to make a show of not being able to keep their hands off the other.

"Thank you, for your timely presence," Lydia finally said, her words sharp. "Now, let us all focus on the matter at hand. The monthly reports have come back on-"

"Aren't you supposed to ask us if we have any important announcements at the beginning of the meeting?" Brooklyn interrupted as Lydia was speaking, making sure to raise his voice to a level much higher than hers.

"The beginning of the meeting was ten minutes ago." Lydia smiled, but it was an angry one, and it only fueled their fire of mischief.

"Technically, meetings cannot start without all Ravens whose presence is required, are present," Alec stated manner-of-factly, "And we weren't present yet. And, I do have an announcement to make."

It was Imogen's turn to finally speak up. "And what is this urgent announcement?" 

"It's Thursday, and the infirmary is supposed to be restocked every Wednesday. However, we are completely out of condoms as of this morning, which is a crisis. I demand that a state of emergency be declared for our Institute, because I don't know how we could possibly function under these conditions." 

"That's not a crisis! And there's no way they're completely out." Lydia pulled out her tablet, checking the inventory logs. "It says here that two hundred condoms were delivered yesterday morning. That should be enough to last everyone here more than a week."

"We're  _out_ ," Brooklyn cried, shooting up from his chair, Alec's hand dropping from his shoulder. 

"He's actually right," Jace added, and others around him mumbled in agreement. 

Alec stood up as well, making sure to knock his chair over backwards as he did so. "I refuse to work until I can safely have sex. Unless, you would rather promote risky sexual behavior?"

"I'm sure this can all be easily sorted out," Imogen reassured, trying to reign everyone back in. 

"You're both overreacting, so if you could please sit down," Lydia demanded, and that was the final straw.

"You would know how serious this situation was if you actually got laid once and awhile." Brooklyn said, before wrapping an arm around Alec's waist. "I really think it would do wonders for you."

Lydia was so red in the face that she was the shade of a cherry tomato. And, Alec noted, it really didn't go well with her white pantsuit. So, when she stormed out of the room in a rage, he shrugged his shoulders and went to sit back down. Realizing his chair was still thrown across the floor, he made the next best move and plopped down onto Brooklyn's lap to save himself some effort.

Imogen was speechless, staring off at the doorway which Lydia had disappeared through. It took her quite a few seconds to gather her thoughts, before she finally turned back to face the room of expectant Ravens.

"I will make sure that this matter is handled promptly, thank you for bringing it to my attention. Now, any other announcements?" She paused. "No? Then, we'll go into what was found in our reports. Rebel activity has increased in sector..."

-

As time went on, people talked less and less about the Raven. It was a bit frowned upon in general to talk negatively or excessively about the Clave if it wasn't in an academic setting, because it was assumed you'd likely be put on some sort of watchlist, as if they could monitor your every move in your daily life. 

It was something that Magnus also forgot about, because it was something that was apart of his life, something he was sadly used to. Many generations ago, it was school shootings that plagued the nation's schools. Students grew so used to seeing and hearing about the tragedies, that they were numb to many discussions about them. Sometimes Magnus had the stray thought that the terror brought on by the Clave was not much different. 

"There's talk that a rebellion is forming," Catarina told him one day after school, when they were sitting in the park under a tree doing homework. 

"There's always talk."

"No, Mags. This time they mean it. A real rebellion, with plans to undermine the Clave. This time it's gaining traction. Isabelle is looking into joining."

Magnus sat and stared at her, not sure how to process her words. "What does Izzy know about joining?"

"She was approached by someone that's in it. She said that if we were interested, we could come to a meeting," Catarina said.

"Interested? Cat, you can't be seriously considering this. Just talking about this kind of stuff can get you killed. And Izzy is even dumber for going along with this, do you think Alec would've wanted this for her? For her to purposely risk her life and get the same fate as him? It's a suicide mission!" It was getting harder for him to keep his voice low, even though there was no one around them. You could never know who was listening.

Catarina looked off into the forest, taking a deep breath. "I don't want to keep living in fear. And I don't want my children to grow up living in that fear as well. The Clave is cruel, Magnus, they're not solving anything. They tear families apart and murder children with the excuse that they're doing everyone a favor. But we don't know how they choose who lives or dies, they walk around like they're Gods. Someone needs to put them in their place. There needs to be justice for all the innocent lives that had been lost. And if I die trying, then so be it. Because, you know what? I'd rather be dead than have to put up with this shit anymore."

While he agreed with her, he was terrified to admit it out loud. He had thought about the Clave's wrongdoings many times before, but he had believed that no one would ever stand a chance against the organization. He couldn't imagine life any other way, even if it was something he didn't 100% agree with.

"Think about it, please. You don't need to feel pressured into this, I would never want to drag you into something like this, but I think it's my calling. I want to help people, I can't just stand by and watch their suffering.

And yeah, at that point, he knew he didn't have any other choice. Because, he agreed with her, wholeheartedly. 

-

"A real rebellion? How big are the numbers?" Andrew, a Raven, asked.

"At this moment in time, we are unsure. Rough estimates say a few dozen," Imogen answered. "That's why we are going to implement regular patrols by Ravens throughout the area. Our presence will hopefully discourage those from joining, while we get to the bottom of this nonsense. And, we will require that you wear your protective gear, despite how much you all dislike it."

Many had groaned when she had said it, because it was true. Their protective field gear was much better left at the Institute, because they were much more effective without it. Alec also got headaches the more often he wore his mask, but he hadn't needed to for a long time. 

After the meeting, they all trudged back to their rooms, being immediately assigned patrol rotations.

Digging around under his bed, it took him a second to find his mask behind piles of textbooks and random storage boxes. When he pulled it out, he examined it, looking for any damage. His hands brushed over the black leathery material, and he ran his fingers along the bulky stitching that was scattered in a random astray of lines throughout. The lens that wrapped from one ear to the next probably needed some cleaning so he could see properly out of it, but otherwise looked in decent condition. The most annoying part of the mask was the long beak that extended out a half foot, which Alec had always seen as extremely impractical. 

"Doves were clearly the ones who designed this. All they can think about it their weird bubonic plague aesthetic, I don't even care if my head goes unprotected, this is simply ridiculous. We only ever had to wear them in training, why the hell would they require them now?" Brook whined, throwing his own mask on the bed. 

"Don't you remember what they taught us? A uniformed image shows that we are strong," Alec mocked in his best Dove-voice, making his tone extra pompous. 

Brooklyn chose to ignore him, and instead started gearing up. "Maybe this is Lydia's way of retaliating for all of our harassment."

"We couldn't get that lucky."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry Shum Jr. and Matthew Daddario need to stop it with their acting skills I am still not over THAT scene my poor heart
> 
> I also wanted to update sooner but my physics prof is an evil, evil man so that didn't happen


	4. Love's Perfect Ache

"I can't believe I agreed to this," Magnus muttered as he followed his friends down the alleyway. They were in the industrial district, which was a ten minute walk from their school, and Magnus couldn't help but look over his shoulder every few steps. Chain-linked fences topped with barbed wired lined the streets, surrounding towering warehouses and factories. The smell of burning asphalt assaulted his senses, and he coughed whenever he breathed too deeply. 

They rounded a corner, following Isabelle's lead. The looming, dark buildings gave way to a small row of shops, the signs on the fronts of the old brick buildings so sun-faded they were undecipherable as to what they said. They passed a bodega, a bookstore, and a store that was completely empty, windows reinforced with some planks of wood. Finally, they came across a coffee shop, which is where Izzy turned and went to open the door. 

It wasn't like the coffee shops Magnus was used to, the shiny chain-run ones with shiny screens displaying their menu and the sound of high-end espresso machines whistling in the background. In fact, an old chalkboard, which was few and far between these days, was littered with scribbles of information. And the place was bustling, chatter filled the room as factory workers milled about in their uniforms, teens gathered in the corner laughing boisterously, and old ladies exchanged gossip while their eyes wandered around the room. 

Going up to the barista, Izzy smiled brightly. "Hi there, we're here for the poetry workshop."

"Of course, right this way," he replied, and Magnus noted that his name tag read 'Raphael.' He motioned for them to come around the counter and then glanced towards the front door. After deciding everything was fine, he grabbed a bin of coffee beans that was under the counter and slid it out to reveal a trapdoor. After lifting it, a narrow spiral staircase was revealed.

"Watch your head, the ceiling's a bit low," Raphael warned, before motioning with their hands for them to get a move on. They scurried on down, and the ceiling really was low, Magnus wasn't that tall and even he had to duck. 

And, wow, he was not expecting what he saw when they got to the bottom. 

There were dozens of people. Maybe even a hundred. They were all walking about with purpose, people leaning over tables and gesturing at maps, people at computers typing away. The room was huge, it felt like they were inside a warehouse themselves, as the ceiling had significantly opened up after exiting the stairs. There were large screens all over the walls, white boards full of writing, and Magnus couldn't believe his eyes. He had thought all the talk of the rebellion was just that, he would've never guessed it could be organized to this extent. 

"You guys here for the meeting?" A woman kindly approached them, "I'm Aline, follow me."

They were lead into a conference room off of the main room that they were in, mismatched chairs around a long, wooden table. Aline gestured for them to take a seat, and then left them there. There were others as well, people Magnus recognized from school, some even younger than him. Their eyes all wearily glanced at each other, around the room, no one making a sound. 

"Alright, looks like mostly everyone is here, so let's get started," a voice said, causing Magnus to spin around in his chair to find its owner. The man looked like he wasn't even in his twenties yet. He was Asian, his black hair cropped short, and wore a tight black t-shirt that accentuated his broad shoulders. He had to admit, he was quite attractive. The man moved to the front of the room, his eyes scanning over the lot of them.

"First off, I'd like to welcome you all here today. At any point, if you don't think this is the place for you, do not feel ashamed to get up and leave. However, if you're here at the end of this meeting, know that this is a life or death commitment. There is no doing this halfway. Now, my name is Ethan Ke. I've been apart of the resistance for almost four years now, and I'm the leader for this division. In total, there are a couple thousand of us. We're currently working on gathering information on the Clave and its inner workings, as we plan to take them down from the inside out. Right now, we're recruiting anyone willing to fight, put their life on the line for what is right. If you've lost someone recently, however, don't use your grief to turn this into a suicide mission for yourself. We're not here to die, we're here to make sure that no one has to die an unnecessary, cruel death. The Clave is ruling with fear, picking and choosing who lives like they're gods. They're not. And it's about damn time that someone knocked them off their high horse."

-

Brooklyn tugged at the bottom of his Raven masque, and then moved to pull at the beak. It was already fastened tightly in the back, so there really wasn't much he could do to adjust it at this point. If he could see past the reflective glass that covered his eyes, he was sure that Brook would have a look of incredible frustration there. Bringing up a hand to his own masque, he tapped the corner of the glass, and the built-in computer came to life. It gave him temperature readings, his own vital signs, and a map of his GPS location. He swiped across the top of the glass, dismissing everything but the map component, which now rested in the periphery of his right eye. 

"Come on, we have a lot of ground to cover," he said, making Brooklyn turn in his direction. He didn't like not being able to see his partner's face, not being able to see what he was thinking. His body language only told Alec so much, but he guessed he would just have to adjust to the new circumstances.

They began walking down the busy streets, and pedestrians leaped out of their way as they approached, the fear evident in their eyes. Alec scoffed, the sound likely muffled, but didn't slow his pace. He could feel everyone's eyes on them, could see people discretely and not-so-discretely filming them with their phones. He was sure it wouldn't be that hard to get them to stop but that wasn't the point. The patrols were to elicit fear, to make sure that the citizens felt their presence. 

They weaved through streets, stormed into buildings and pretended to look around before turning and leaving. Their really wasn't a purpose to their madness, just to be seen by as many people as possible in the next couple of hours and report anything suspicious directly to the Institute. However, nothing interesting seemed to be happening anywhere. It really didn't seem likely that a rebellion could be happening anywhere, with how things appeared at first-glance. 

And, then, of course, it started raining.

"Did you know," Brooklyn started, "that if it weren't for air pressure, all the water would come down at once instead of as rain drops? And the force of it all would kill us instantly."

"What did we eat for breakfast?"

"I don't know," Brook replied, shrugging.

Alec stopped in his tracks, raising a hand in front of the other to stop him as well. "You're telling me, you remember an obscure fact like that, but can't remember what you ate less than two hours ago?"

"I'm pretty sure there was some sort of fruit involved." But Brooklyn sounded unsure, second-guessing himself, and it was enough for Alec to let out a booming laugh, causing some of the folks around them to jump at the sound. Not wanting to know what could make a Raven laugh, they increased the distance between them, scattering like flies. 

 


	5. Innocence Died Screaming

Magnus had joined the rebellion as of two weeks ago, and knew that he had made the right decision. As he watched Maia and Simon help rewire an old radio, Izzy and Cat stock medical kits, fitting right into the busy flow of people around them... He was no longer afraid, he felt purpose. Ragnor would've been proud to see them now. 

He was sat at a table tucked in a corner of the room, boxes full of files full of papers stacked in front of him. They were stolen from the New York Institute by some of their people on the inside, documents that had now been digitized and wouldn't be missed. And, he was tasked with helping go through them. Raphael sat to his left, and Ethan to his right. He had gotten to know them pretty well, as well as the majority of those in the room. While they bonded over their common goal, they were kind, compassionate, and easy to befriend. 

He looked over to Ethan now, and saw that he was staring off into space, no longer reading one of the many files spread out in front of him. Raphael quickly noticed too, and loudly cleared his throat, snapping their leader out of it. 

"Hey, you alright?" he asked him as his eyes refocused.

"Sorry, I just get lost in my thoughts sometime." It was a basic explanation, but it was impossible to ignore the look of melancholy in his eyes.

"Who were they?" Magnus assumed, because that was the case for a lot of people around here.

"My boyfriend. We had been best friends since childhood before we even started dating," Ethan laughed, but it was bitter. "Sometimes stupid little things remind me of him, and it's like losing him all over again. They say it's supposed to become less painful, but I think I've just become used to the pain. He's been gone for four years, yet sometimes I wake up in the morning and roll over, expecting to see him there waiting for me."

"E, you don't have to talk about him if you don't want to," Raphael intervened, but Ethan waved him off.

"His father used to beat the shit out of him for being gay. He spent most nights at my place, with my family, until he was basically living with us. One night, his father showed up at our door, demanding he come home with him. It got ugly. He pulled a knife on us, and," Ethan paused, and took a deep breath. "He killed him the second I was threatened. He ran forward and slammed his head into the wall, kept going until the job was more than done. And you know, murder is the worst offense. Some Ravens came for him the next day, and that was the last time I ever saw him. Didn't matter that his dad was a piece of shit, had been beating him senseless since before he could even walk. Didn't matter that it was self-defense."

"I'm... uh, I'm so sorry, Ethan." Magnus reached to put a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. He was surprised Ethan wasn't crying at this point, he knew he would barely be able to keep it together if something like that had happened to someone he cared about.

"I was so mad at him, for a long time. As they drug him away, you know what he told me? That he loved me, and that everything was going to be okay. And ever since he's left, it hasn't been. I'm doing this so that maybe I can feel okay, again."

"I thought you said that we shouldn't let grief dictate our actions?" Magnus asked.

Ethan shut his eyes, taking another deep breath before opening them again. "I'm clear-headed when I'm making my decisions. I use my grief to motivate me, to remind me why I'm doing this. And it's safe to assume that's the same reason you're here."

"What was his name, your boyfriend?" 

Ethan smiled, and this time it reached his eyes. "Brooklyn. How about you, who did you lose?"

"My best friend, Ragnor. He was one of the kindest souls on earth. Sometimes I feel like the Clave purposely targets the people that deserve it the least," Magnus sighed, feeling tears pool in his eyes but not daring to let them fall.

"Amen to that," Raphael muttered, and they all got back to work.

-

Back at the Institute, Alec was back in his room, having showered after a long day. When he walked out of the bathroom that was connected to their dorm, he was not surprised to see Brooklyn passed out in his respective bed, not even under the sheets. He was glad he had let the other shower first, otherwise he likely would still be in his uniform and gear. 

Alec climbed into bed, and despite feeling exhausted, he didn't feel like falling asleep. He grabbed a book from under his bed,  _The Illiad_ , and began mindlessly reading to distract his mind. He likely wasted a good twenty minutes before his eyelids finally began to feel heavy, and dogeared the page before tucking it back into its place. He was ready to turn off his light when he looked over to Brooklyn, whose body was rigid with tension. Quickly climbing out of bed, he rushed over to his friend. Looking closely, he could see that Brook's nails were digging so hard into his palms they were bleeding, and his face was scrunched with distress.

"Brooklyn, wake up," Alec called out, shaking him roughly, wanting to wake him quickly. 

Instead, he let out a whimper, tossing his head violently to the side. Alec began to rub his sternum, dragging his knuckles against the bone, and finally Brooklyn's eyes snapped open. He shot up, curling his legs to his chest, nails now digging into his legs. His dark eyes were blown wide with terror, and he didn't seem to fully register his surroundings.

"Brook, look at me, you're safe. You're safe, I'm here, I'm not going to let them hurt you," he repeated over and over, sitting down on the bed and pulling him into his lap. At some point, one of Brooklyn's hands had latched onto his own arm, but he barely registered the sting that followed the tight grip that easily broke through his skin. 

"They can't hurt you, I'm right here. We're together, we're safe. It's just us."

**Four Years Ago**

He was cold. The thin cotton clothes he was dressed in did nothing, he might as well have been completely naked. As Alec laid on the cold concrete, staring at the door that came into his cell, he couldn't even find the energy in him to shiver. At some point, he registered that he had soiled himself, but he stayed where he was, no longer feeling shame or discomfort at the action. 

There was someone else in there with him, another boy, but his back was to him, so he couldn't see his face. The boy had his face pressed against the wall, was practically curled into it. He must've been insane, because the walls were just as ice cold as the floor. They stayed like that for hours, neither of them moving, speaking. In fact, Alec wasn't even sure if the other boy was even breathing, he was so still. He wouldn't be surprised if he was dead, if Alec was going to soon meet the same fate. 

And then, the door opened, letting in a blinding bright light. The monsters, the ones in white, came into the room, observing both of them before moving to grab at them. Alec felt them undress him, felt as they washed him with a cold, wet rag that burned as it roughly scratched his skin. He was dried off, redressed, and then something big was being carried into the room. A mattress. It was thrown onto the floor, and then Alec was being pulled onto it, along with the other boy.

"Valentine was an idiot for keeping them like this. He's lucky they all didn't die of infection or hypothermia. Get them started on an IV, and we may as well tube feed them while we're at it. They'll die before we make any progress with them in this state."

One of them was speaking, and Alec heard the words, but they were foggy in his brain, and his vision was too blurry to try and identify who it was talking. The mattress was soft, so much softer than the floor, and it was easy to close his eyes at the sensation. Easy to let the tiredness consume him.

When he woke up, the light streaming through the opaque windows was much brighter. Daytime. There was a needle in his arm, he could feel the cold rush of liquids being pushed through his bloodstream. He registered there was a tube in his nose, could feel it in his throat, but he didn't even have the energy to bring his arm up to touch it with his hand. 

Slightly turning his head, he made eye contact with the boy he shared the small room with. He looked tired, deep circles under his eyes. He also had a tube running into his nose, looked to be in the same state as him. Looking more closely into his eyes, he saw that they were a dark brown, almost black color. A sheen layer of sweat lined his forehead, and his breathing was shallow. He didn't understand what was happening to them, why they were here. They should've been dead by now, swiftly killed by some Crows or whoever the Clave had sent to slaughter them. 

Instead, they were together in this cramped room, had been for days, maybe even weeks. It was hard for Alec to focus, to keep his thoughts together for more than a few seconds at a time. He had lost track of time, didn't understand what was happening to him or this other boy, but knew one thing for certain.

Whatever was going to happen to them next, it wasn't going to be good.

And deep down, Alec cried for his family, for his siblings, his friends. He missed them so much, but hoped that they believed he was dead. Because, it would be much more painful if they knew how much he was currently suffering. 

He felt as fingertips weakly brushed against his hand, and he put all his energy into moving his own fingers to wrap around them. Looking into the tired eyes of his companion, he felt a little better knowing that he wasn't alone, for now.  

 


	6. Fall Apart, as it gets dark

** 3 and a half years ago **

Screams echoed off of the concrete walls, and Alec groaned, wanting more than nothing to get some sleep. They must've brought in someone new, usually this time of night was dead quiet. He sat up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes, and was met with an equally awake Brooklyn stretching on the floor by the door. At first, it hard been hard to adjust to seeing things only illuminated by the soft moon glow that barely came through the opaque windows, but with time he had adjusted. The only artificial light was out in the hall, and it was blinding in comparison. 

Eventually, Brooklyn walked back over to him, crawling next to him on the bed and curling into his side. The one blanket they shared was thin, and it was much easier to use their shared body heat to keep warm at night. Neither of them slept that night, just laid curled together and watched as the light coming into the cell brightened. 

They knew it was officially morning when they heard footsteps going back and forth down the hallways. Neither moved when their door was opened, and the Doves came in with a cart. They didn't separate as their vitals were taken, as they were injected with a silver liquid, and a tray of food was set on the floor next to them. Because this was routine, everyone moving around them like clockwork. At some point, the monster-in-charge walked into the room.

"Progress report?" he asked a younger Dove, who was typing something on his tablet. 

"Rho 2276 and Rho 2277 are responding well to treatment, Mr. Aldertree. They should be ready for phase three within the next week." Alec loved that they always talked about them right in front of them, as if they were too feeble-minded to understand what they were saying. 

"It's imperative they both survive this. We don't need another repeat of what happened with the Pi group. The Parabatai bond is what's going to make this all come together in the end."

-

"You ready for your first day?" Imogen asked as she led the way through the halls. Sebastian, like most, had never been this deep into the Institute. He was surprised when he had been promoted from clerical work to being put on a specialized assignment. He had been forced through months of interviews and background checks because of the high level of classification, and his nerves were humming with nervous excitement now that he had finally gotten through.

"It would be nice if I was finally clued in to what I'm getting wrapped up in." 

Imogen didn't reply, just looked over to him briefly and giving him a small smile. They finally got to the final set of industrial doors, which was being guarded by two burly men. Imogen held a hand up to a scanner, and the doors automatically gave way. Sebastian wasn't sure what exactly he was expecting on the other side, but as they walked into the room he couldn't help the shiver that ran down his spine. The room was brightly lit, hospital-level, migraine-inducing bright. There were rows of desks with high-end computers on one side of the room, Doves typing away or leafing through file reports. On the other side, which was separated by a large glass wall, looked like some sort of science lab. 

Rows of lab tables littered with different colored liquids in vials and flasks, people in lab coats talking amongst themselves, the sound blocked out by the barrier separating them from everyone else. What was more interesting were the giant monitors on the walls behind them, images of heat signature maps of human bodies and statistics that were undecipherable to Sebastian.

"Welcome to Project Instinct. You'll be helping Mr. Aldertree, who is now your direct supervisor." Imogen interrupted his thoughts, and motioned to a man in a white suit and a lab coat approaching them.

"Sebastian Dove, what a pleasure. If you'll follow me, we'd like to get you started right away," Victor Aldertree said, his gleaming smile making Sebastian forget the ominous feeling he had felt when he had entered the room. 

Sebastian quickly learned that his new assignment was nothing like he expected. Off of the main room, through another set of doors, he had come to learn there were halls and halls of cells. Prisoners, Aldertree had explained, who had committed some of the worst crimes known to man. Instead of giving them a quick death at the hands of the Clave, they were sent to the Project.

No one had quite explained what the end goal was, that was for people higher than him to know. He was given fairly basic tasks, administering daily medication and helping make sure the patients were fed. He had felt an itch of pity for them in the beginning, but he quickly reminded himself that the law was the law and that they deserved to be punished for their crimes, whatever they were. 

"Rho 2276 has an infection and it's not responding to antibiotics," Jonathan told Aldertree during the afternoon briefing. He had the overnight shift tonight, his first one so far. 

Aldertree sighed, flipping through the papers on his clipboard. "Do you think he'll make it through the night?" 

"It's hard to say. We have him on a drip to restore fluids and we've resorted to going back to tube feeding. Dr. Jeremiah started him on antivirals, but he said that 2276's best chance is to stop the Phase III treatment in the meantime." After Jonathan's explanation, Aldertree handed his clipboard off to one of his assistants.

"Stopping the daily treatment will put us at a huge setback. Rho 2276 and 2277 need to stay on the same treatment track or it'll all be for naught. If he doesn't survive the night, we'll have to put down 2277. We're better off risking the treatment in the off chance he does survive. For now, allocate your resources to the Rho constituents with a fighting shot." And with that, Aldertree turned and left, leaving Sebastian and the other Dove alone.

Sebastian was the one who broke the silence first. "He doesn't seem too concerned about one of the patients dying."

Jonathan smiled. "Hundreds have already died for the cause. Class Rho is the 17th test group to come through. Losing a few here and there really isn't that big of a hit. Besides, Rho has survived a lot longer than the classes before them."

-

Alec felt like he was burning up from the inside out. He was drenched in sweat, but was chilled down to the bone. He registered someone pressed against him, wiping at his face with a cool cloth. Opening his eyes was an exhausting effort, he felt like his eyelids had been crusted shut with dried sand. When he finally got them open, he was met with Brooklyn staring down at him, and was surprised at the tears running down his cheeks.

"You can't leave me," he whispered, his voice hoarse from crying. "Alec, you can't leave me here alone. I'm scared." 

Alec tried to respond, which turned out to be a Herculean effort, resulting in nothing more than a whimper escaping his throat. Brooklyn sobbed in response, tucking his head in Alec's neck. 

"Please, please, I don't want to be alone," Brooklyn begged into his skin. Suddenly, the door swung open with a clank, and two Doves entered the room moving towards them. They grabbed Brook by the arms, yanking him off of him, throwing him to the floor. As his friend tried to crawl back to him, one restrained him, while the other moved to grab a large needle from a cart. 

"Hurry it up Sebastian, I don't have all day," the Dove holding Brooklyn down complained. 

The other Dove muttered something under his breath in response, before moving towards the pair. Brooklyn weakly thrashed against the hold on him, but it was fruitless. The other one, Sebastian, put a hand on Brooklyn's head, forcing it to the ground. He positioned the needle at the base of his skull, before pressing in and injecting the bright, silver liquid. 

The scream that came out of Brooklyn's mouth was so earsplitting, it was enough to make Alec sit up as quickly as he could, try and reach an arm out to him.

" _¡Mamá! ¡Mamá! A-alguien ay údame_," he cried, and in that moment, he never looked younger. Alec knew they were the same age, but the expression of pure pain on his face, made Brooklyn look like he was barely a child. 

"Alec, _por favor_ , Alec," he kept begging, and despite his fever and his aching muscles, Alec lunged at the Doves. Ignoring the sting of the IV needle ripping out of his arm, he threw himself at them with all his might. They were stunned for a moment, before they scrambled back to their feet, backing up towards the door. Alec glowered at them, shielding Brook's trembling body with his own. And then, they left, the door slamming shut behind them. 

Moving off of him, Alec turned his friend toward him, but Brooklyn wouldn't meet his eyes. There was a far-away, distant look in them. 

"Brooklyn? Are you okay?" he asked. 

Brook blinked a few times in response, slowly looking at his surroundings. Finally, he met Alec's eyes.

"How did we get here?"

 -

"Looks like Rho 2276 and 2277 can be advanced to stage IV," Aldertree stated with glee as he watched the monitor before him.

Imogen rolled her eyes. "Aren't you worrying these two are becoming too attached? It's all fine and dandy that your memory manipulation is going along great, but what about the stages you haven't gotten to yet? Their undying loyalty to the Clave?"

"Patience. So what, if two of the Ravens are close? Didn't the Spartans encourage a strong emotional bond between soldiers?" he countered.

"And what of love, Victor?"

"What of it?"

"You're an idiot if you don't know by now. Love is the one thing that could break everything the Clave has built." 


	7. a lifeless face you'll soon forget

**3 years ago**

Alec watched with mild curiosity as Brooklyn used their lunch to clog the toilet in their shared cell. Things had been at a stalemate for the past week, and it was putting them both on edge. The daily injections had suddenly stopped, no check-ups with the doctors. The only sign that they hadn't been completely abandoned was the tray of food that was delivered thrice a day by one of the Doves. 

The first days were consumed by nervous anticipation, but at this point Alec could tell Brook was becoming plain restless. He had gone from stretching and doing yoga to handstand push-ups against the wall, and now this. 

The beige slop seemed to work as a perfect coagulant, because as his friend flushed the toilet, it immediately started backing up.

"Now what?" he asked, and Brook shrugged in response, before coming back over to their bed and plopping down next to him. They both sat and watched as water began to slosh onto the ground and form a small puddle. Alec had the off thought that maybe their room would flood and they would be lucky enough to drown. 

The door clicked open, Doves rushing in to observe the mess. Aldertree, whom Alec had grown to hate more than anyone else on this godforsaken planet, stormed in alongside them. 

"Both of them are going to need to be relocated until we can get this cell re-sanitized," he barked, and it was hard to tell if the order was directed at anyone in particular. 

"All of the cells are full, sir. Should we pair them up with-" a Dove started, but Aldertree cut him off with a glare. 

"They'll have to be put somewhere on sub floor two. Just find a clean room where they'll be unable to harm themselves or others, and where they won't be found by someone outside the Project. Quickly, now!" 

Alec had never seen Aldertree this mad before, but somehow it didn't strike any fear in him. What were they going to do, torture them? It wasn't like they hadn't inflicted plenty of pain on them already, like they weren't going to do it sometime in the near future anyways. Both Brooklyn and him were grabbed by the arms and dragged to their feet, being roughly guided out of their cell. 

The fluorescent lights in the hall burned his eyes, and Alec stumbled even more with the black dots that swarmed his vision. They very rarely were taken out, except for a few rare occasions where they had been taken to a room with a proper hospital bed and knocked them out with anesthesia. Other than the thin, raised pink lines on the back of his neck and the soreness that had lingered there for days after, Alec had no real idea what they had done to them there. 

They were brought to an elevator, and as the floor lurched underneath them, he couldn't help but turn and vomit at the unfamiliar motion, despite his efforts to try and swallow the bile down as it climbed his throat. The Dove cursed at him, but it wasn't like it wasn't something he could entirely control. 

The floor they got off on... It was so... Different, Alec decided. It was nothing like the cells or the laboratory or the surgical room that was everything he knew to this point. It took him a second to try and figure out what the purpose of this floor was, the rows and rows of stainless steel lockers that lined the walls, the metal tables of the same splendor in neat rows throughout the room. The Dove holding onto him shivered, but the room didn't feel that cold to him, it was likely close to the temperature of his cell. 

On one of the tables, the only one that wasn't completely bare, was a long figure covered with a white sheet. As they were escorted through, Alec couldn't help but stare intently at it, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. As they got closer, an odd feeling struck him. It was a human body. Dead. A corpse. 

They were in the morgue. 

Huh.

There was a hall off the main suite, which broke off into smaller offices. The Dove holding Brooklyn turned and opened one, throwing him inside. Alec was shoved in not a moment after, and he curiously looked around him, not really caring his palms were likely scrapped from the rough treatment. 

"Don't try anything stupid if you know what's best for you. This is only temporary until they clean up the mess you made, and you'll be begging for mercy for causing so much trouble," the Dove, a redhead, spat. He slammed the door shut, and the sound of the lock clicking echoed after it. 

Looking around, they appeared to be in a storage room, metal shelves filled with boxes and boxes. 

Brooklyn seemed just as bored as he did when they were downstairs. He got up, moving to the last row of shelves furthest from the door, before laying down and curling up on his side. Alec got up and followed him out of instinct, curling himself around the other boy. The comfort of the familiar warmth and the dry silence was the perfect combination, and soon enough both were lulled to sleep.

-

"It was a fairly easy fix, but the room still needs to be properly sanitized," the custodian explained before he was dismissed.

"It will have to wait until morning, it's late enough as it is. Tell people they're good to pack up for the day," Aldertree said. 

-

"It's kind of ridiculous that they only scheduled two of us to handle all the Rhos by ourselves," Sebastian complained as the night shift began. Jonathan scoffed, continuing to throw his tennis ball against the wall, catching it, and throwing it once more. 

"Nothing interesting has happened on this shift for weeks, I don't know why you're worried. They're all asleep, they'll likely stay asleep, and we won't have to do anything. In fact, we probably don't even need to be here."

"We need to be here in case there's a medical emergency." Sebastian rolled his eyes, before being interrupted by the chime of his phone. Pulling it out of his pocket, he read the notification, before letting out a sigh.

"It's Imogen. They need me on the main floor to help with the Instinct Database, can you handle all this chaos by your lonesome?" he teased, gathering his things and moving to head out.

Jonathan didn't reply, choosing to ignore his counterpart instead. After five minutes, he quickly grew bored. There was nothing he could do to distract himself, no paperwork, routine checks... As he got lost in thought, his slip in concentration caused the ball he was throwing to bounce off the wall at an askew angle, before crashing into something. Grumbling, he got up from his chair to examine the damage. 

It had landed on Aldertree's desk, knocking over a cup of pens and pencils and a picture frame, all of it landing on the keyboard. He put things back in their place, ready to turn away when he noticed that the monitor was still on. It wasn't unusual for Aldertree to not sign out, the information on his computer was the same information as everyone else assigned to the Project. 

There was a ton of statistics and random numbers up on the screen, and Jonathan lazily scanned over it, not really bothering to read the fine print. Everything appeared to be in order, so he returned to his own desk. 

Thirty minutes later, and he was receiving a message from Sebastian saying that he was going to be held up for the rest of the night, it seemed. Jonathan groaned, how was he supposed to survive this shift when there was nothing to occupy his time, and no one to keep company with?

He then had a brilliant idea, an uncontrollable grin breaking out across his face.

Sebastian was a goody two-shoes, and would've never even entertained the idea if he were here. But, he wasn't. There was no one else there to tell him what to do, no one there to find out if he snuck away from his post for an hour or two. Just enough time to slip out and get some fresh air, maybe sneak in a nap before the morning briefing. 

Seeing no flaw in his plan, he got up, and left. It would be like he was never even gone. 

\---

"This is unbelievable. How could you, you complete fool!" Imogen cried, throwing the nearest thing (a book) at Jonathan's head. 

"I was only gone for an instant-" he tried explaining, but his voice trailed off.

"It was more than an instant. Do you know what Dr. Jeremiah found when he got here? Alarms going off, alerts on every screen saying that there were vital signs crashing, oxygen levels in the cells completely depleted. Do you know how much time, how many resources you have just wasted? They're dead, Jonathan!" the Consul yelled at him, and anger wasn't a strong enough word to describe how he was feeling. 

"The Rho class had gotten further than any class before them. A year's worth of work, down the drain. We'll have to completely start from scratch now, don't you see?"

He was silent, his gaze fixated on the tile floor, jaw clenched.

"For your ignorance, by the Order of the Clave, I hereby sentence you to death," the Consul proclaimed. 

-

"And then there were two," Aldertree sighed, observing Rho 2276 and 2277 curled together in the cramped storage room.

Imogen lightly shook her head, still in disbelief that Jonathan had been foolish enough to not only accidentally turn off the air flow to the cells overnight, but to abandon the area completely. It had been nauseating to see the patients, blue in the face, faces pressed against their cell doors, desperate for even the smallest particles of oxygen to pass through and save them from their misery. "We'll have to keep progressing them as they were, while we start on the next class. It's a damn shame, but we'll just have to improvise."


	8. is it sinking in?

Magnus leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms over his head. It was a satisfying relief as he felt and heard his ligaments crack and pop with the movement, his stiff bones being released from the tension of his taut muscles. He rolled his neck slowly, breathing deeply as he did so. 

It was late, and many of the others had gone home. There were only a dozen or so other rebels milling around them, which included the usual suspects of Cat, Izzy, Simon, Raphael, and Maia. Along with his friends, Ethan, Aline, and Helen, they were scouring through thousands of paper documents. He couldn't believe that Aline had managed to steal all the boxes of files she had in her short time undercover at the New York Institute. He had just learned earlier today that tomorrow would mark her third week as a clerical assistance to some lowly Dove. 

"It's really not that hard to take stuff right under their nose," she had explained earlier that day, "the Dove I'm working for is tasked with digitizing a lot of the older documents as busywork in his spare time, so it's not that suspicious when I take a box out of storage or take it outside in the direction of the incinerator."

A lot of the documents, tragically, were profiles on children that had been Culled, selected by the Clave as noncontributory to the population as a whole. There were a few files every other box or so were it was a person that had actually committed a crime such as theft or assault, but for the most part, they were all innocent. 

It was painful, sometimes, to look at a young child's school picture when the outside of the manila folder had been stamped with a big red  _DECEASED_. To see their gap-toothed smiles, the youthful glint in their eyes... But he forced himself to not look away, to not slam the folder shut, because their memory didn't deserve it. They had done nothing to deserve a flinch of a reaction. If he denied them that little bit of respect, he didn't deserve to be here. They were the victims in this. He was doing this because of them. 

The next few days went about the same way. Getting up, exhausted from the lack of sleep, going to school and acting like nothing had changed. He kept up with his schoolwork, kept his grades the same. Ethan had advised them to not change their behavior publicly if they didn't want to attract attention to themselves. Especially since the Clave had unexpectedly and suddenly put Crows on every street corner and in every building. There were even pairs of Ravens occasionally roaming about, which made everyone nervous, not just the people with something to hide.

The whispers were everywhere in regards to the cause behind the increased Clave presence. Suddenly, the idea of a rebellion forming didn't seem so discernible and it was putting everyone on edge. 

The Crows, he could manage. He always felt like he had an itch crawling up his back every time he felt their eyes on him, but at least he could see their face, see where their eyes were focused.

The Ravens, on the other hand... 

Magnus shuddered. Their masks were ungodly. The Ravens were ominous enough with their black uniform, but someone at the Clave decided they really needed them to stand out in comparison to their inferior counterparts.

The masks, from far away, looked like something straight out of a horror film. It was probably the inhuman appearance, the black leather material paired with the long beak resembling something demonic that stirred an uneasy feeling in his gut. The panel of reflective glass that sat where their eyes should've been didn't help, as when the glass caught a light it was hard to not turn your head in the direction of the gleaming flash. 

Not being able to see their eyes was terrifying. 

Ravens were already cruel in nature, Crows with no remorse left in them. To cover their faces with an animalistic guise further removed them from any speck of humanity they had left, if any. 

School had gotten out, and Magnus had deposited his backpack at home, now making his way to the coffee shop where he dedicated the entirety of his spare time.  

"I can't believe their audacity!" A deep voice from nearby ripped him from his thoughts, and he looked over to find its owner. And when he saw them, it took everything in his power to not freeze with terror, or break off into a dead sprint. Two Ravens were coming his way down the adjacent sidewalk, and they were going to cross paths at the intersection.

"We have a required day off every month, I don't know why you're acting so surprised," one of them, the taller of the two, said.

"Because their idea of a day off is not my cup of tea. I'd rather chew my own hand off than go to the physical." 

Despite the slight muffling from their masks, it was not hard to clearly hear what they were saying. At this point, the pair had stopped at the crosswalk, waiting for the light to turn to signal it was safe to cross. Magnus stood a few feet behind them, having shoved his earbuds in, pretending to act slightly nervous at their presence but not guiltily so. 

If they had noticed him, they paid him no mind, continuing their conversation like it was just the two of them.

"You and me both. But, hey." The taller one turned to face his counterpart, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. It was a gesture that made Magnus uncomfortable, with how casually caring it was, his brain finding it hard to associate such a move with a Raven.

"We'll be together the entire time. It's not even that bad, they're just doing scans to make sure we're healthy," tall one continued.

"I just don't like being put under and waking up hours later. I'd rather be awake for whatever it is they're doing than completely unaware." And, huh, that was a strange tidbit of information. 

The light turned, and they crossed, Magnus keeping a respectable distance between them. 

"Sebastian said they did that camera thing, remember? They're not going to try and stick a tube down your throat while you're awake."

The shorter one, who was still taller than Magnus, unconsciously brought a hand up to rub at his neck, and he was honestly tempted to do the same. 

"I'm still breathing, aren't I? And our injections are supposed to keep us from getting sick, so the whole thing seems like a waste of time to me. If something were wrong, I'd say something."

"No, you wouldn't."

"You're right, and you wouldn't either, Alexander. You're hardly one to judge. Remember that time with the spider-"

"We promised we wouldn't talk of that," the other hurriedly snapped, shoving his friend. 

And with that, the two Ravens took a corner, and he was forced to keep going on his normal route. It would seem fishy after awhile if he kept following them, even if they made it so easy to eavesdrop on. 

The other Ravens, the few he had come across and gotten awfully close to, were not that chatty. If they did speak, it was usually something related to their surroundings, an observation. Those two had been so casual... It was just something unexpected.

And with that, he picked up the pace, wanting to be off the streets already.

-

He forgot to bring up his run-in with the Ravens, and eventually it was forgotten. The weeks went on, Aline brought in more material to comb through, and Magnus was relieved that the end of the school year was quickly approaching so he would finally be able to get some decent sleep. 

"Hey, there's something strange here," Izzy spoke up, getting everyone's attention from around the table. 

"I'm looking at these monthly budget reports, and they're all consistent up until six years ago." She passed some of the files around so they could all see what she was talking about. "They have the same expenses, utilities, food, medical supplies. And then all of the sudden, they're redirecting thousands of dollars to 'Project Instinct.' Any idea on what the hell that could be?"

"Wait! One sec!" Simon leapt up from his chair, moving to a stack of boxes they had set to the side which they had yet to go through. Simon shuffled through the pile, glancing at the labels on the side, before he gave a noise of excitement, picking one up and plopping it in the center of the table. In black marker, across the side, read  _Project Instinct: Class α._

"I saw it when I was helping carry it in. I thought it was strange that it had a Greek letter, unlike the other boxes," he explained. 

"Class... Alpha?" Cat read aloud with confusion, tilting her head while reading as if it would help it make more sense somehow. 

Ethan leaned forward and slid the box toward him, standing up from his seat as he carefully took the lid off, setting it down gently on the table. He grabbed the file that was in the very front, observing the manila folder that didn't seem much different from any of the others they had dedicated hours of their time to.

He opened it, and everyone held their breath as he silently read, unsure of what to expect. As the minutes went by, Magnus felt dread begin to build up inside of him as Ethan's face evolved from confusion, to intense concentration, to horror. 

"What is it?" Raphael finally broke the silence, unable to wait any longer.

"I-it's..." Ethan stuttered, "they've been doing human experimentation." 

The others in the room had gathered in the time he had been reading, and there were audible gasps as nervous whispers broke out among them. 

Ethan handed the folder over to Izzy with a shaky hand, and he collapsed back into his chair.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Cat asked him.

He looked up at her, eyes unfocused and distraught. "They've been doing it on the Cullen. The people they claimed they were quickly and painlessly killing." Their leader's voice was barely above a whisper, yet full of raw anger. 

"Oh god," Izzy cried as she read the file for herself. "Oh my god."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would anyone be interested if I made a playlist for this fic? I've had the idea since like chapter one so I might just create one anyways. 
> 
> also, to my three most loyal readers, your comments make it worth it when I procrastinate studying for finals, instead using that time to write this fic


	9. don't count on me to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the playlist & will be adding to it as I write the fic, I would say it's mostly mellow tunes good for a rainy day
> 
> also, trigger warning for explicit self-harm

[Playlist Link](https://open.spotify.com/user/mtkaswimmer/playlist/4pT4n77SUKP4GXoQ0XPsXn?si=H8KxVjmyTCSq07FWvTLwxw)

**2 and a half years ago**

Alec watched as Brooklyn pressed the hunting knife to his forearm, the blood pooling along the edge of the blade before dripping down his arm, drip drip dripping onto the floor. But before a puddle could form, the blood flow stemmed, and both stared at the cut with fascination as the skin slowly stitched itself back together. Wiping the blood off on his thigh, leaving red streaks and stains all over his skin, there wasn't even the faintest of scars where the wound had been just moments before. 

He took the knife for himself, copying the movements, for the same to happen.

"We're not going to let them hurt you, ever again," Imogen told them, "you are protectors now, and your duty is to help protect people so that no one else will ever have to get hurt, ever again." 

-

Their new home was nice. Safe. The lock on their bedroom door was on the inside, not the outside. The food was more than one color, had more than one flavor. The Clave had saved them, and now they would be able to help keep other people safe. It was hard to remember the faces of their captors, but it was impossible to forget the pain they had inflicted. 

Alec couldn't remember much about himself. They had told him that he had been held captive since he was young, that he had been tortured, and his amnesia was likely due to a head injury or a result of the psychological trauma. 

He didn't care to dwell too much on the past, didn't want to face the ugly vines of pain that consumed him, tightening around him and cutting off his circulation, their thorns digging deep into his veins, his very bones. 

He would get migraines in the months to come every time he tried to remember anything beyond his time of being held captive, and he figured that the memories were so horrific from his childhood that there was a block in his mind protecting him from them.

It was safe here. It would've been worse adjusting if it weren't for Brooklyn, the familiar presence an eternal comfort in itself. As they got used to their new life, it was hard to not have the other in sight every waking second, as if the separation would physically hurt them. And, he was okay with it. 

Their new room had two beds, but the first night, there was no hesitation as the pair climbed into one, clinging onto each other like it was their lifeline. Neither did much sleeping, too horrified that it was all a dream and they would wake up back in the cell. 

"You're free to explore. The Institute is your home now," Sebastian had explained while giving them the basic tour, pointing out the medical bay and the cafeteria, "You won't be expected to complete any duties or missions until you're well adjusted."

Explore, they didn't. There were too many people, too many bright lights, too much noise. In the wide open space Alec felt like he was suffocating. For the first few weeks they hid away in their room, briefly leaving to get food, which they would bring back and eat in their private space. 

The Crows and Doves, as they were called, didn't push them. They let them be and respected their boundaries to his relief. He didn't want to get to know them, didn't want them to get to know him. They wouldn't understand, they weren't like him. There was only one person he could fully trust, and they were fine without anyone else. 

As the weeks went on, Brooklyn grew increasingly restless, and it was then decided by Sebastian that they needed to leave the small dorm. Sebastian was kind, he was assigned to monitor their health and make sure they were alright. If he thought they should go outdoors... Well, he hadn't done anything to hurt them at this point, right? Surely he would've hurt them by now if he was planning on it.

"C'mon you guys, fresh air is going to do wonders for you. You'll love it," the Dove assured.

The outdoors was nothing like he could have expected. The air smelled different, filled his stagnant lungs and expelled the cobwebs inside. The sun warmed his skin, was such a different experience when compared to sunlight coming through the window. 

Brooklyn, who was stood next to him, collapsed to his knees. Alec was ready to jump into action, ask if he was okay, but was stopped in his tracks at the small smile on his friend's face. Eyes closed, fingers gently brushing through the blades of grass, he had never looked so at peace. 

It was in that moment that Alec realized he could trust Sebastian. While he was still wary about the others in the Institute, he knew now that they wouldn't harm them. Because Brooklyn was happy because of them, safe because of them. If they stayed here, everything was going to be okay. Brook was going to be okay. For once, the protective surge that always filled him to the brim seceded, because now he wasn't the only one doing the protecting. 

-

That night, they were able to sleep in separate beds. At least, for a few hours, as some point in the night one had climbed into the bed of the other, which was how it would go for the months to follow. But soon, the relentless nightmares dispersed, no longer occurring every night. While both had plenty of skeletons in their closet, it became easier to move forward, to finally make something of themselves. 

As Ravens, they would help the world become a better place. He believed it with his whole heart. 


	10. lay me gently

The human experimentation wasn't the worst of it.

Of course it wasn't.

The whole purpose of Project Instinct was to bend people until they snapped, submitting their loyalty to the Clave and doing their dirty work. To make them forget their pasts, to believe wholeheartedly that the Clave could never be in the wrong.

It was sickening, reading through the files of the poor test subjects, unwilling victims to an unnecessary evil. There were plenty of people that enlisted to be Crows, why the hell had someone thought that this was a good idea? And how did others within the Clave go along with it, investing billions of dollars in it?

Magnus had thrown up a few times after reading what the first classes had underwent.

The classes were groups that had gone through Project chronologically, and instead of being numbered they were identified using the Greek alphabet. And, from the looks of it, hundreds had died. 

"That's all of Class Xi," Izzy announced, bringing her hands up to rub tiredly at her eyes.

They had acquired all the boxes on the Project, and were going through the files one by one. There were reports towards the front of every box that had the final results of each class, but everyone felt they owed it to the victims to go through their individual files. 

Xi was the 14th letter of the Greek alphabet. Each class had an average of 30 individuals. The first four classes had died pretty quickly because the Clave had managed to fry their brains in their attempt to manipulate their memory, and as their methods progressed it took longer for each class to die, but the level of pain inflicted only increased.

They had been doing this for almost a week now. Everyone at their base had thrown their all into helping categorize and analyze the horrific information before them, and at the end of each class they would have a meeting to create a document outlining what they had learned. Thank the Angel, the school year had ended, so Magnus was able to spend the night here and dedicate every waking second to a cause he supported even more with every word he read.

He didn't know if it was morning or night at this point, but he had taken a nap at some point so he was feeling well rested enough.

They had just wrapped up Class Pi, and Aline had set the Class Rho box down in the center of their circle. Instead of working at the table, everyone was sat in small groups on pillows and sleeping bags and couches that had appeared out of nowhere. 

She did what they did with every class, opening it to read the final results report, aloud for everyone to hear. They all seemed to be holding their breath, unsure of what they were hoping for. 

"Class Rho, status: deceased," she weakly announced. This would make the 17th group. 

Everyone was silent as she then started grabbing stacks of files out of the box, giving a stack for each group to go through. As a pile was handed to his group, Simon, being the nearest, helped pass some out so everyone had one. 

Magnus took a deep breath, and opened the manila folder in his hands. He was met with the picture of a young girl, her eyes boring back at him with how much pure exhaustion they conveyed. It was no different than all the other photos, because the eyes always got to him, leaving him with a feeling like he had been stabbed in the gut and someone kept twisting the knife. 

About five files in, he wanted to cry. The Clave had stepped it up with this class, deciding that instead of trying to rush the process it would be better done in slow increments, seeing as they had lost so many to heart attacks because their bodies caved under the stress.

They injected them with a serum that affected the neural pathways in the brain, specifically the amygdala and hippocampus. There was a whole different group dedicated to the serum that evolved with each case, using their scientific background to try and understand it better, and to see if it was reversible. The only problem being that there wasn't a survivor yet to reverse. 

Suddenly, his focus was cut off by the sound of a loud sob. Snapping his head up, he could see Ethan, just a few feet away. He was trembling from head to toe, and had a death grip on the file in his hand. Everyone was looking at him, trying to decipher what to do. Raphael was the first, standing and walking towards him, when Ethan screamed at him to stay away.

The man who was usually quite put together, who had remained stoic for a good portion of this process, was now on his knees, forehead pressed to the ground. He was clutching the folder to his chest, and the cries that left his mouth shook Magnus to his very core. 

"Ethan, what happened?" Raphael asked him lowly, but the man gave no indication that he had heard him or intended to respond.

Aline cautiously walked towards him, kneeling down next to him. They were cousins, so hopefully she would be able to help in any way.

She placed her hands on his shoulders, pulling him up from the ground so they were face-to-face. Ethan, with snot and tears streaming down his face, clenched his eyes shut, shoving the folder towards her. 

When she read its contents with her own eyes, she froze, read it over again. Tears began to stream down her face as well, but they were silent. She stood again, and they all looked towards her for answers, unsure how to help.

"It's Brooklyn," she said, and Ethan let out a scream at her words, collapsing back to the ground and rolling onto his side. "He was apart of the Rho class."

-

Everyone had taken a break after that, as mandated by Aline. When they regrouped, Ethan was curled up on one of the couches, a blanket wrapped around him. Tears were still falling down his face, but his eyes were unfocused and staring off into the distance. The room was eerily quiet. Aline was sat next to him, back straight and head held high.

"Everyone, back to work."

-

At some point, a good portion of people had decided to try and get some sleep. Some went off to the makeshift dorms deeper in the base, others curling up where they were (or maybe they had just passed out there). A few headed home to the comfort of their own bed. 

Magnus, Izzy, and Simon had ended up on the floor by Aline, the four of them going through Brooklyn's file while Ethan was passed out next to them. 

He didn't even want to imagine what it was like going through something like this. It was one thing to think your boyfriend had been taken by the Clave and had died by lethal injection... It was something completely different to learn he had been alive for months, endlessly tortured until dying, likely in immense pain. To have known he was out there, alone, could've been rescued... 

It was no one's fault but the Clave's, and he hoped that he knew better than to try and blame himself. 

"He's grieving all over again," Aline sighed, "it was bad the first time around. I don't know if he'll be able to move past this." 

"Why didn't the Clave stop? After losing so many?" Izzy wondered, shaking her head.

"They kill dozens of people on a daily basis. What's it to them how they die?" Simon replied bitterly.

"I'm betting some sick bastards out there got a kick out of their little experiment." Aline looked like she was on the war path. "I don't know about you guys, but someone needs to pay for doing this. I'm going to find out who was behind this whole thing, and I'm personally going to make their death hell."

"Get in line." Ethan's voice startled them. The Asian man sat up, rolling his shoulders. "Whoever thought they could get away with this has another thing coming for them."

***

Alec was sat on his bed, reading  _The Tragedy of Julius Caesar_ , when he heard a slight click. It had come from the direction of the door, which was unusual, considering that their room was soundproofed. Getting up to investigate, he went to grab the doorknob, tensing when it didn't move. The door was locked. From the outside. 

There was the sound of the overhead speakers coming to life, following by Imogen's voice.

_"Attention, everyone. The Institute has entered a lockdown until further notice, stay where you are until it has been officially called off. Thank you."_

Trapped, they were trapped. Alec's chest grew tight as he rattled the doorknob, as if it would change anything. He banged against the door, panicking, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

Out of reflex, he turned and hit the owner of the hand, freezing when he saw Brooklyn's calm face. 

"Sorry, I-"

"It's okay, I get it. It's not like that's the first time one of us has done something like that to the other. Now, c'mon, we're going to be okay. The lockdown is to protect us, not to keep us in."

Taking some deep breaths, he nodded. 

Brooklyn grabbed his hand, leading them to his bed. Laying down, they cuddled into each other, eventually falling asleep.

-

The lockdown didn't end after a day. Luckily, they had food and water stored in their room due to the phobia of running out, and they had a bathroom attached to their dorm. 

At some point, Alec realized they were supposed to have their monthly physical yesterday with Sebastian. He hoped that it wouldn't be a pain to reschedule that, he wasn't sure if there were any side effects to missing out on his routine injection that Sebastian stressed was vitally important. But, he was fairly certain it was just an immune booster to help prevent colds and sickness in general, so everything was probably going to be fine. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if I just disappear for the next two weeks. I want to write but finals are a thing that exist (for some archaic reason) and I am not paying money to purposely fail my classes. Therefore, as motivation to get school over with, I am going to try and refrain from writing until it's all said and done, otherwise my procrastination will reach max levels.


	11. in the cold, dark earth

Magnus sat next to Aline at one of the computers, one of the tech specialists explaining how they had managed to put an undetected backdoor in the New York Institute's mainframe, giving them access to their databases. 

"What did you find on the current Ravens?" she asked.

"The New York Institute has around forty, but it looks like they don't keep files on them individually. Instead, they're all assigned to different handlers that oversee them. Even worse, under each handler it only gives us a list of identification numbers, it doesn't even tell us what class they were in under the Project. And, this could either be perceived as good or bad news, but we found video files linked to Project Instinct," the tech explained.

Magnus looked up at the sound of footsteps, seeing Ethan walking towards them. He looked like he hadn't slept properly for days, his eyes sunken and his face unshaven. "Show me."

And that was how they ended up down the rabbit hole that was the Project's horrid, videotaped proof of human torture. If reading the files was sickening, this was something that was impossible to look at without wanting to completely purge your memories. 

As the hours went on, Magnus had within good reason to think that someone should be stopping Ethan from going through the videos with them. Because, of course, the first thing he had done was go straight to Class Rho, obsessively going through anything that had even a second of Brooklyn in it. Aline had tried to discourage him, but had easily relented at the glare he sent her way. 

Magnus peered over at the leader's screen, and his heart clenched at what he saw. Brooklyn, he had come to learn, was a scrawny brunet with olive skin. He had also come to learn, that when in true pain, Brooklyn would revert to his native language of Spanish. 

Ethan sat still, watching as his former boyfriend was held down to the ground by two Doves, struggling in their hold as they injected him with a silver liquid. The audio on the computer had been muted at some point, but it was unmistakable how much pain the young man was in. 

"I should've looked harder," Ethan spoke up, not turning to face Magnus. "He was alive, he was out there, and I would've known if I had looked harder into the Clave."

Aline, who was at a computer nearby, spoke up. "You wouldn't have been able to look into them a few years ago, and you know that. You never could've known, Ethan, and you cannot blame yourself for this."

"What if he thought that I would come save him? What if he was waiting with hope for me to come find him?!" Ethan yelled. 

"He knew that you loved him, and that it would've killed you to see how much pain he was in. He also knew how dangerous it would be for you to go digging in the Clave's business, and he wouldn't have wished for you to put yourself in danger for him." 

"Love, Aline, I still love him. And when you love someone, you're supposed to do anything for them. I should've been there for him." Ethan's voice died down as he spoke, until he finally broke down, becoming nothing more than a trembling mess of tears. 

"You guys," Izzy spoke up, having walked over at all the commotion.

"You guys!" she screamed, lounging towards Ethan's computer, the other man looking up in surprise at the motion. She paused the video where it was at, pointing at the other man in the video with Brooklyn.

"That's Alec, that's him, oh my god, A-Alec!" she cried, hand plastered against the screen. In the video, he was crouched over Brooklyn in a protective stance, glaring towards the camera lens. 

Izzy collapsed into Ethan's arms, and both clung to each other as they cried. In a twisted turn of events, their lives had become more intertwined than initially thought out to be. 

-

"These glasses have a camera and audio that will allow us to see and hear what you see, live, while you're within the Institute," Helen explained to Aline as she handed them to her. "They won't trigger any metal detectors, but you still need to be careful. Don't do anything out of character while you're there."

Aline put them on, adjusting them for a moment before giving them all a nervous smile. "Well, off to work I go."

-

Aline followed her superior, Sebastian, down the intricate Institute hallways. The entire place was abnormally quiet, as they were under a "soft lockdown" for unexplained reasons. Sebastian keyed them in to a part of the facility she had never been before. She was tempted to ask questions, but knew better by now. She was to be seen but not heard. 

However, Sebastian must've sensed her curiosity, because he answered for her. "These are the Raven dormitories. We're here to distribute meals and do general wellness checks. There's a slight viral infection going around right now, and some idiot dropped all the vials of our... antiviral medication. It's going to take a few days for them to develop more, so there's a small quarantine."

"Are we at risk for exposure?" she asked, then internally hit herself for not biting her tongue.

"No, not at all," Sebastian replied, then paused for a moment, as if he was searching for the words to say. "Just, don't worry about it. Let's get started then, eh?"

Another Dove, a woman, appeared from around the corner pushing a cart stacked with cardboard takeout boxes. 

"Greetings, Lydia." Sebastian smiled, and the woman gave a nod and a small smile in reply. 

"Sebastian, and, who's this?"

"My assistant, Aline. She's here to help with distribution."

"Excellent. You see those numbers, to the right of the door?" Lydia turned, gesturing to the plaques at eye-level that lined the walls, "those numbers match up to a box of food, and it's vitally important that you don't give the wrong one to the wrong room. Other than that, it's pretty straight forward. Let's begin."

To Aline's surprise, and to the others back at the rebel base watching, the food was not delivered by opening the door and hand-delivering it. Instead, a button was pressed on the doorjamb, and the lower portion of the door slid away and the box was slid through. It would've been more curious if Aline was not aware that the Ravens were all brainwashed prisoners of the Clave, but she found it surprising that they assumed she wouldn't ask any questions related to the task at hand. 

Halfway down the hall, Aline looked at her next room, seeing the numbers 2276 and 2277 listed on the plaque. She found it a bit peculiar, as all the other numbers had been above 2300, but she moved to the cart anyways, grabbing the takeout boxes with the same numbers on them. Kneeling down, she pressed the button on the doorjamb to open the slot, when Lydia yelled at her.

"Wait, stop!" 

But, it was too late. As the slot opened, a hand shot out, grabbing Aline by the wrist and dragging her forwards. In terror, she tried to pull back, but she could feel another set of hands pulling at her arm. The edge of the door dug into her shoulder, and she was grateful that the opening wasn't tall enough for her to be pulled in deeper. 

"2276! 77! You knock this off right now!" Lydia demanded, trying to pull Aline away from the Ravens' grasp. 

"Alexander!" Sebastian yelled, "Stop!" 

There was a scream in response from the other side of the door, but their hold didn't lessen in the slightest. Sebastian grabbed a radio off the cart, calling in backup, when she felt one of the hands let go. She felt as a piece of paper was placed into her hand, and she closed her fist around it. 

"Rho 2276 and 2277, I swear to the angel if you don't let go this instant!" Lydia was practically screeching at this point, banging on the door. Footsteps ran down the hallway towards them, and a man in a suit strode to the front. 

"Alexander! Brooklyn!" Sebastian yelled, and Aline felt a chill run down her spine at his words, "Please, stop!" 

"Mr. Aldertree, what are we supposed to do?" Lydia turned to the man in exasperation. 

"It appears that their medication has worn off. My best solution would be to open the door, and then sedate them," Aldertree replied, voice surprisingly calm. 

Sebastian made a noise of agreement in the back of his throat, before rushing to the door's keypad and punching something in. The door clicked, and started swinging inwards, and the hands disappeared from Aline instantaneously. Making sure to keep her fist clenched, she brought it to her chest, pretending to cradle it as she discreetly slid the piece of paper down her shirt. 

The door opened the rest of the way, and she scrambled back out of instinct. She could recognize Brooklyn anywhere, having known her cousin's lover for years, since they were babies. But while his outward appearance looked the same, the look in his eyes was unrecognizable. Feral. 

He was crouched down, and Alec Lightwood knelled similarly right behind him. She hoped she didn't look like she had seen a ghost, because how could this be happening? 

Nobody moved, everyone at a standstill. Brooklyn slowly stood up, the tension in the air becoming palpable, and he lounged forward, hands latching around Lydia's neck and squeezing. As she choked, one of the Doves moved to inject him with the sedative, but it had no effect whatsoever. Lydia's face began to turn blue, and any attempts to pull the Raven off of her were fruitless. As Aline watched on in terror, she let out a shout at the sound of a gunshot. 

Brooklyn turned to observe the blood now pouring out of his shoulder, but didn't loosen his grip on Lydia until she became still, the light leaving her eyes. Aldertree, who was still pointing the gun at him, now looked mildly terrified. Before he could react twice, Alec was now lounging at him, tearing the gun from his hands. They both slammed into the ground, and Alec made a point of grabbing Aldertree's head and slamming it into the concrete floor. 

With the force he did with, Aldertree became still immediately, blood quick to pool around him. Brooklyn moved to stand next to his companion, digging his fingers into his wound, and pulling out the bullet. He flicked it to the ground, then wiped his fingers off on Aldertree's suit. It was just Aline now, she realized, as everyone else had fled in terror. 

Alec turned to her, a look of determination in his eyes, but Brooklyn brought up a hand to stop him. 

"Safe," he whispered to him, and with a nod, both got to their feet, taking off down the hallway. 

Back at the base, everyone had watched everything Aline had witnessed on a large projector screen. 

Magnus was in shock, as was everyone else around them. Something had just gone disastrously wrong, but none of them understood it. Those two were supposed to be dead, and yet, there they were. Had they been captive this whole time? Had they become Ravens, soldiers to the Clave?

Isabelle leaned into him for support, gripping his arm so hard that he was sure the blood flow to his hand was being cut off. Turning to look at her, she was visibly shaking, but no tears streamed down her face. 

"He's alive," she said with disbelief. "After all these years..."

There was a smash, and their attention turned to Ethan, who had thrown a nearby plate at the wall. He was breathing heavily, and the anger across his face was clear. He moved to leave, but Helen was quick to grab him, stopping him in his tracks.

"E, don't be rash," she warned.

"I'm doing this whether you like it or not. I'm not asking anyone to follow me, I'm going and bringing him back!" He yanked away from her grip, but more rushed to get in his way. He fought against them, did everything he could to leave, when Izzy spoke up.

"First, you need a plan. Then, we're going together."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> start my huge research essay that's due tomorrow or write this chapter??????? it would appear that it's the latter


	12. no grave

"Here! I found it!" Simon announced, waving a file in his hands. "It says here that the Rho class died from asphyxiation, because there was a 'malfunction in the ventilation system.' But, then, if you look here, there's a note." He handed the file over to Izzy, Ethan peering over her shoulder. 

"Rho 2276 and Rho 2277 were temporarily relocated because of a plumbing issue in their room. Both are to be transferred to Sub-Floor 4 for individualized training," Isabelle read out loud, her face scrunching in confusion. 

"So, what? The rest of their class died and they relocate them? Why not combine them with the next class to come in?" Helen asked. 

Aline slid the file towards herself, glancing over its contents. "It might have to do with the injections. They're done in phases, to adjust their bodies to the formula so they don't reject it. They need to keep getting the injections even though they're Ravens now. The question is, if they go without it, will they return to normal?" She pulled the piece of paper out of her pocket, flattening it out against the table. 

Izzy straightened up in her chair. "That's the paper they gave to you? Alec and Brooklyn?" 

"Yeah." 

"May I?" Ethan gestured towards it, and Aline handed it over without hesitation. He held it up, jaw clenching as his eyes scanned over it. In pencil was the word _unsafe_ in neat print. One of the corners of the white paper was stained with dried blood. 

"This is Brooklyn's handwriting." And, the way he said it, with such conviction. Magnus' heart clenched, as it had many times when seeing how much love Ethan had for Brooklyn. He could only wish to love someone that much someday, but felt a prick of fear at the idea. 

Because all of that love could bring so much pain. Could make you so vulnerable. 

And, while no one would say it, no one knew if Brooklyn would even remember him if they got him away from the Clave. After mourning his death for so long, Ethan was taking a risk to experience that hurt tenfold. To be willing to do that for another person scared Magnus more than anything else. 

He had been in a relationship once, with a girl named Camille. She had hurt him plenty of times, cheated on him, lied to him, made him feel inferior to bend him to her will. Without Ragnor and Catarina, he likely would've been trapped longer, ensnared in her web of lies. They only lasted a few months before Rag and Cat managed to convince him that he was worth more than that. Deserve to be truly loved and cared for. 

And while he had been hurt because of love, Camille was never the one hurting, instead doing all the inflicting. 

Brooklyn and Ethan were both hurting so much in their situation, but neither of them were wishing pain on the other. Neither of them deserve the pain they were going through.

Not that Magnus didn't deserve what had happened to him, of course. But he couldn't really process the fact that the universe had decided to do this to two innocents, dragged into something evil and twisted. 

Ethan's next words dragged him out of his thoughts. "He stopped Alec from hurting you at the Institute. He said, 'safe,' remember? He determined you were safe, that you weren't going to hurt them. When the injection started wearing off, they remembered something. They remembered feeling unsafe, for whatever reason. They could've... They could have remembered."

"We already know that there's a chance, Ethan," Izzy said, "We need to find where they are and get them away from the Institute so we can get that drug, or whatever it is, out of their system."

Helen shook her head. "We don't know enough information yet. What if they've been implanted with trackers? What if they don't remember, and the serum wearing off just makes them violent? Bringing them here would only put us in danger, for both reasons."

"They were only violent because they were afraid," Izzy pleaded, "They were still coherent enough to recognize that Aline wasn't a threat to them. And if there is a tracker, we can take it out before we bring them here."

"And how are you going to figure out if they have trackers? We didn't find anything in their files regarding that, so we haven't a clue where to start. Look, I want to save them just as much as anyone else here, but we all need to stop for a moment." Helen held her chin high, sweeping her eyes to look over everyone. "They may have been innocent before, but they're Ravens now. They're killers, brainwashed or not. They've helped tear apart families just as much as any other worker for the Clave."

Ethan took a deep breath, clearly trying to keep his emotions in check. "What if they're not aware that they're killing? We still don't even know how the brainwashing affects them. Who's to say that when they put those masks on, what they see isn't altered? How do we know if they're being threatened, or tortured to listen to the Dove's commands? Everything is a what if, but we know for certain that they didn't become Ravens willingly. They were enslaved, Helen, and while they have hurt a lot of people, they deserve a chance to explain themselves. Because they have been hurting for years." 

"Alright," Helen conceded, "we'll give them the good of the doubt. But everyone here needs to be on the same page. We can't go around just forgiving Ravens and Crows and whoever just because they used to mean something to us-"

"How dare you!" Izzy shrieked, lounging across the table. "They still mean everything to us! Why the hell do you think we're here! What if it was your family!? The person you loved?!"

Everyone froze as Izzy broke down, tears streaming down her face. 

"If we show the world what the Clave has done to them, maybe we can change their minds. Stop them once and for all."


	13. can hold my body down

When Aline returned to work, she was told that Sebastian was in the kitchenette. That wasn't that odd, considering he was usually there in the morning fueling up on coffee. 

What was odd, was seeing Alec and Brooklyn there as well. As if they hadn't been running around feral and killing people, three days prior. 

The two Ravens were sat at a table, drinking out of their respective mugs, while Sebastian stood at the head. As Aline approached them, she overheard her supervisor talking about patrol rotations. 

She must've looked either extremely confused, or terrified, or both, because as Sebastian turned to face her he gave her a timid smile.

"Aline! So good to see you. Sorry about the little incident on Friday, it was all a silly misunderstanding," he explained. 

She looked at the Ravens. Alec looked disinterested, staring at the wall. Brooklyn looked all sorts of agitated and tired, grumpily sipping his tea. She had the stray thought that he always had hated the taste of coffee. His father had thrown it at him and burned him a few times, she could remember watching Ethan help put cream on the blistered skin to alleviate the pain brought on from the burns. Oaklyn had refused to drink the stuff from that point onward.

Oaklyn. She wondered if he would remember the nickname now. It had come about from when him and Ethan had been kids. E had trouble pronouncing his r's, and resorted to calling his new best friend the next best thing. 

It had stuck, and Brooklyn had never complained. Especially when they were all studying together after school, Ethan and him giggling as the two lovebirds flirted and held hands. She always whined when her cousin would start going on about his Oak and how much he loved him, but now they were cherished memories. After Brooklyn's culling, being ripped from their lives... Ethan hadn't truly been happy since. 

"A misunderstanding?" she questioned, not remembering it exactly that way.

"Brooklyn and Alec here suffer from some PTSD. Sometimes it can be pretty rough, and they can lash out. Don't worry though, Aldertree and Lydia are just fine, they've been put on medical leave while they recover." Sebastian gave her a wide smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. Apparently, medical leave is synonymous with the cemetery now. 

"PTSD?"

Sebastian lowered his voice, but the Ravens paid him no mind at his next words. "They were abducted and tortured by the rebellion leaders some time ago. Those barbarians were absolutely ruthless."

It took all of her effort to not react instinctively, especially when he mentioned torture and rebellion in the same sentence. He had to know that wasn't true, that it was the Clave that did those things. 

But, looking at Alec and Brooklyn, she felt goosebumps break out across her skin. Did they believe that? That the rebels had done those things to them?

"I'm sure you've heard by now, that there's a resistance movement forming. Don't worry, because the Ravens are the heads in our countermove operation. They'll be getting an eye for an eye, for what was done to them. Now, enough chit-chat, we have some paperwork we need to digitize. Off we go."

-

Alec watched the two Doves walk away, pushing down the bubbling anger inside of him. How dare Sebastian think he could so carelessly bring up what the rebels did in front of them? As if it didn't still hurt, feeling the ghost of pain that was inflicted on them. He turned in his seat to face Brook, who was now staring gloomily into his chamomile tea. 

"Hey, let's go back to our room, 'kay? We don't have any patrols scheduled for today," he suggested, and his partner gave him a small nod in response. Well, it's better than nothing. 

They leaned on each other for support whilst walking through the halls, when they crossed paths with Jace and Clary, who were in some sort of heated conversation.

"Excuse us." Alec tried to go around them, not needing their theatrics at the moment, when Clary grabbed his arm and stopped him. 

"What?" he snapped, feeling uncomfortable at the foreign touch. 

Clary made eye contact with Jace, then glanced at Alec, then back at Jace. The blond huffed in frustration, before speaking up.

"There's talk that, well, I don't really know how to put this. But, uh, some of the Ravens went missing, after the lockdown. Lydia and Aldertree, too. People are thinking that the rebels might've been behind it. That they killed them."

Alec chuckled. "You seriously believe the rebels killing them? Here, in the Institute? No way. They probably just relocated to another Institute, it wouldn't be the first time something like that happened."

Clary rocked back and forth on her heels, deciding to pipe up, "there's blood stains in the halls. They cleaned up most of them with bleach, but if you look closely you can still-"

"We don't have time for this. It's our day off. There's always blood somewhere in this place, and unless you have concrete proof, you're just speculating. Unless you have something fruitful to say, move," he commanded, and the two hopped out of his way in an instant. 

Rolling his eyes, he moved on, continuing to the dorm. Once inside, he made sure to lock it, not wanting to be dragged into some conspiracy theory by someone else. He had slept through the entirety of the lockdown from what he could recall, and he would've noticed something like a bunch of rebels breaking in and slaughtering his coworkers. 

Plus, it didn't make sense that only some of the Ravens were dead, and not all of them. They were in lockdown, which means that to override every single door's lock would override them all, so they would all have to be dead if that were true. Only Doves had access to all their doors unconditionally, and even then, the sensors use a combination of fingerprint and pulse reading for identification. 

Not wanting to think about it anymore, he curled up in his bed, snuggling into Brook's side. The other had fallen asleep the moment his head had hit the pillow, and it was clear that they both needed to rest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day?? more likely than u think when the author is procrastinating to the max! (don't worry, I got my research paper in on time)


	14. I'll crawl home

"Alright, Magnus, you ready?" Aline smiled nervously at him.

Magnus was pretty sure he looked like someone had kicked his nonexistent dog. "Sure, it's totally not like I'm about to enter the enemy's lair or anything like that."

That was exactly what he was doing. 

When Aline had been promoted and was getting an intern assigned under her, he should've known to just keep his mouth shut. He shouldn't have told her five minutes prior that he was willing to help in any way possible. 

Because, now, he was putting himself at risk for getting charged for espionage and dying on the orders of the Clave. 

Peachy.

They walked through the Institute's entrance, Aline guiding Magnus to the intake desk. He had been here yesterday as well to fill out a ton of forms and have his picture taken, so the process was thankfully short and quick today. They handed him his badge, and he put the lanyard around his neck. 

The Institute was bustling with activity. They were in the Control Room at the moment, which was a large open space with Doves running around left and right, Doves at desks typing away at computers, and a stray Crow here and there walking with purpose. 

He followed Aline like a lost dog, and they walked through the chaos and up some stairs, taking a bunch of rights and lefts through what appeared to be never-ending hallways. 

Finally, they reached a set of double-doors, and Aline pressed her badge up against a keypad, an audible  _beep!_ followed by a click of the door unlocking granting them entrance. 

And, for some odd reason. There was another set of double-doors. 

They waited for the set behind them to close before repeating the process, Magnus wearily eyeing the peculiar space they were in. Walking through the next doorway, the ceiling was suddenly much higher, skylights lighting up the industrial-themed space. Concrete floors were complimented with black sofas around a television, metal racks adorned with various knives, and on the opposite side of the room another hallway broke off. 

There were a few people here and there, but it was deafening how quiet it was compared to the Doves' space. Everyone was also wearing black instead of white, so that was something. 

"Welcome to the Raven's Nest. A lot of them are assholes, but don't let 'em get to you," Aline advised. 

Just then, a man in white, Sebastian, walked over to them from seemingly out of nowhere. 

"Ah, Aline, this must be Magnus. Pleasure to meet you. Let's get started, shall we? We'll be restocking first aid kits, nothing too complicated." Sebastian seemed quite friendly, quite normal, for someone involved in something so messed up. How much did he actually know about Instinct? Magnus wondered.

The blond led the way to a table that was pushed against the wall over by all the weapons, a multitude of black bags marked with red crosses stacked on top of it. On the floor were some cardboard boxes full of gauze, gloves, and a bunch of other things. 

They got to work, and Magnus was glad that he wasn't participating in anything nefarious, even if Aline had promised him it was just basic chores. 

Some time had passed, the three working in silence with the occasional small talk, when a loud bang caused him to practically jump out of his skin. Sebastian and Aline also stood with stiff posture and wide eyes, having been spooked as well. They turned to find the source, a commotion erupting on the other side of the room. 

A Raven with gleaming red hair stood facing them, but her attention was diverted down to someone sitting on the couch, who she had a knife pointed straight at. She looked furious, jaw clenched. Sebastian took a step forward, about to interfere, when suddenly the redhead yelped, falling over. 

Sebastian rushed over, and Magnus cautiously followed out of instinct, wanting to know what was going on. 

It was Alec Lightwood who was laying on the couch, munching on a bag of chips and looking unconcerned. The female Raven was on the floor on her back, and Brooklyn was straddling her, holding her own knife against her throat.

"Brooklyn," Sebastian warned, "put it down. We can all talk about this like civilized adults."

He didn't look up at them, instead rolling his shoulders and maintaining a stern gaze at his target.

"She threatened Alec. She was going to hurt him," Brooklyn stated, not explanatory in the slightest. "No one hurts him." 

Sebastian took a step forward slowly, hands up in surrender. "She wasn't going to hurt him, were you, Clary?" 

"He stole my fucking food, of course I was going to-" 

Brooklyn lunged, pressing his forearm against her throat and cutting off her air supply. She writhed underneath him, choking and gagging, and he applied more force to hold her still once more.

"2276! That's an order! Let her go!" Sebastian yelled, but it had no effect.

The senior Dove turned, sighing in frustration. "Alec, would you please?" 

Alec was midway through lifting a chip to his mouth, and he stopped to pensively look at the scene before him. After a moment, he popped the chip in his mouth, chewing a bit before swallowing. Finally, he said, "Please, what?"

Clary was turning blue in the face, and looked moments away from passing out. 

"Please, tell your boyfriend to not kill his coworker," Sebastian replied through clenched teeth, the veins in his neck protruding. 

"Brooky, down." And just like that, he stood up, tossing the knife to the side. As Clary gasped for air, taking in huge gulps, Alec continued, "but I'm not giving the chips back."

Alec sat up, patted his lap, and Brooklyn walked over and plopped down on top of him. It was... unexpected. Sebastian had said 'boyfriend,' hadn't he? Surely these two-

Brooklyn twisted in place, opening his mouth. Alec rolled his eyes and smirked, before feeding him a chip. As he munched on it he smiled at the Lightwood, pressing a kiss to his cheek. And, oh. 

Up close like this, in person, Alec was much more attractive than he was on-screen.

Well, when he wasn't in excruciating pain or attacking people could do it too. Because right now he was smiling, seemingly happy despite all the trauma he's been through.

Right, the memory manipulation. He didn't remember everything. 

Aline dragged him back over to the first aid kits to continue their task, Sebastian dismissing himself to take Clary to the medical bay. 

When they got back to the base that evening, things were pretty okay given the circumstances. The rest of his first day as a Clave intern had gone by smoothly, and now he was ready for a good meal and a good night's rest. 

But as they walked into the common area, Magnus was hit with the sudden realization that everyone had seen what had gone down today thanks to Aline's embedded-camera glasses. The only reason he realized this, was the weird look on Ethan's face as he stared off into space.

They were supposed to report to him before going to dinner, but Magnus felt like an intruder when Aline put her hand on her cousin's shoulder for comfort. 

"You alright, E?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Their leader looked tired, and he spoke weakly, with little to no conviction. 

"I didn't know, or I would've warned you."

Ethan looked at her, and then Magnus, smiling weakly. "I shouldn't be so surprised. He doesn't remember me. Alec and him have been through hell together, so it makes sense. If anything, I'm glad that he's found happiness despite everything. I've only ever wanted for him to be happy. Now, give me your mission report, enough about me."

They both pretended like they didn't hear the way his voice shook, or see the way his eyes welled with tears. Because these days he was constantly in pain, and he didn't need them to remind him of that fact. 

-

"You know, now that Lydia's transferred or whatever, we probably don't have to keep the act up," Brooklyn suggested, throwing himself onto his bed. 

"I'm honestly surprised she lasted as long as she did. And, hey, what about Imogen? We still haven't gotten her to break yet." Alec picked at his nails, something dried caked under them. 

Brook yawned. "I suppose you're right. But that woman's like steel, it's going to take a lot to push her past her breaking point. Besides, I totally caught you checking out that intern today."

Alec grabbed a sock that was lying around, and chucked it at his roommate halfheartedly. "I did not!"

"Sorry, only everyone with eyes could see. I know you, Alec, you're just as much a gay disaster as I am. Nothing gets past me."

Alec groaned, knowing Brooklyn was right. Takes one to know one, and all that. 

"What about you, huh? Did you think he was cute?" Alec turned onto his side to face him.

"I mean, he was cute, but... I just don't feel it, you know?" 

And yeah, they had had this exact conversation before.

"Still that problem, huh?" Alec turned the light off, then rolled onto his back. Brooklyn was quiet for a minute, but his breathing wasn't even enough for him to be asleep quite yet.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I just think about being in a relationship with another person and, and it's just this... This empty feeling. Like I can't imagine myself with anyone I've ever considered. What if I'm broken, Alec? I know that I'm gay but I shouldn't still be feeling this way, like I can't think of myself with another person romantically."

He didn't know how to reply to that, how to provide comfort. "You'll find someone, okay? And if you don't, you'll always have me by your side."

"It's not the same thing," Brooklyn whispered, his voice wobbling. 

Alec wished those words hurt him in some way, but they were empty of any malcontent. Yet, it did hurt him, because his friend was hurting and neither of them knew why. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I wasn't going to update but yesterday and today I spent fourteen hours total studying & doing homework and the whole time I kept thinking of new plot ideas
> 
> that and all you folks in the comments are so lovely and kind, thank you so much for making me feel valid as a writer
> 
> (p.s. finals start on monday for me and then my whole week is freaking hectic!! but then I have ~vacation~ so expect an update frenzy)


	15. to him

Magnus struggled to carry the box in his hands, barely able to see around it as he followed Aline and hoped he didn't run into anyone. Turning a corner, he found himself tripping over his own feet. This was it. This was how he was going to die, face-planting into concrete and a box of tech equipment soaring away from him-

The box was lifted away from his grasp. At the same time, an arm swung around his waist, spinning him on his feet until he was upright once more. Blinking a few times to double-check he was alive and still in one-piece, he was not expected to come face-to-face with Alec. The Raven was smirking down at him, the box hoisted up and supported by just one of his arms. The other arm was aroundhiswaistohmygod...

"You alright?" Alec's gravelly voice pulled him from his thoughts.

Magnus was 200% certain that his face was beet red in this moment. 

"Yes, completely fine, didn't need you to, to," Magnus gesticulated with his hands to express his lack of words.

Alec's arm dropped from his waist, the Raven taking a step back. "To make sure nothing happened to you or your pretty face? Mm." 

He turned and began to walk away, still carrying the box single-handedly like it was a piece of cake. Magnus wondered where he was going, and realized that Aline hadn't noticed his little mishap and was much further down the hall than him. And, oh.

Alec planned on carrying the pack of tech cables the rest of the way. 

Because he was a good coworker. Nothing more. 

Maybe saying he had a pretty face was a way of mocking him somehow? It hadn't sounded teasing, if anything, Alec had used a very gentle tone. But he was in a relationship with Brooklyn. Maybe it was a very secure relationship and Alec felt comfortable giving compliments to others because both him and his boyfriend knew that it wouldn't send a mixed message. The more Magnus overthought it, the more of a mixed message it seemed. 

Alec and him caught up with Aline, and Alec proceeded to help both of them lift the hefty equipment onto some shelves in a storage room. Aline didn't seem to think much of it, but she seemed to notice Magnus' odd behavior as she gave him a strange look for a brief moment. It was quickly over, and before he knew it, all three were heading towards the Raven's nest. 

"So, Alec, doing anything fun for a Friday night?" Aline tried to strike up a conversation for the long-walk ahead of them. Seriously, why did the Institute need to have endless winding hallways? There must be a fire code that says more emergency exits should be in place. 

"What do you mean?"

"You know, going out, maybe seeing a movie?"

Alec's eyebrows furrowed, and he opened his mouth to respond before closing it again. After a moment's hesitation, "I don't really go out unless it's for patrol, to be honest."

Magnus felt the need to chime in, "Don't you and Brooklyn go on date nights? You can't possibly tell me you spend all of your time in this stuffy old building."

"Brooklyn and I aren't dating, first of all. Secondly, I don't see the problem here." Alec's words make both Magnus and Aline temporarily have a fault in their steps, unsure of what to do with this revealing information.

"You're allowed to leave the Institute in your spare time, aren't you?" Aline struck up the interrogation once more.

"Yes. But there really isn't a need to. What would I do?" 

Magnus was saddened at the prospect of not knowing anything other than the soul-sucking entity that was the Institute. "Have fun? Go sight-seeing? Get plastered? Whatever you want."

Alec still looked confused, unsure of what he could possibly want. "Isn't it unsafe?" he asked next, voice dropping a few octaves, as if he was scared to ask.

"Aren't you trained in major self-defense?" Magnus couldn't help himself from questioning. What could a Raven be possibly afraid of when they were the most dangerous thing that could be on the streets?

"The, um, rebels. They're also highly trained to hurt people." Alec was looking down at his feet now, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. 

"I've never heard of them hurting anyone, I thought there hasn't been a solid rebellion for decades?" It was Aline's turn to look confused.

"They've hurt me," Alec whispered, so softly Magnus almost didn't hear it. 

His blood ran cold. Aline and him shared a look, wondering what the hell made him believe that. From his understanding, there were other rebel bases throughout North America, but they were all in communication with each other. And none were violent unless attacked, which was extremely rare. These past few years have been entirely dedicated to collecting information, coming up with strategies, a plan. 

"How did they hurt you?" Magnus asked, and Alec immediately clammed up. His posture straightened and his whole demeanor changed in mere seconds. 

"Anyways, no, I'm not doing anything tonight." Gone was the fragile and terrified man, back was the unbreakable soldier. 

"Is Brooklyn doing anything?" Alec shook his head no. "Would you two want to go out with us, get food? We're meeting a friend, it'll be casual." Aline had a mischievous glint in her eyes, and Magnus desperately wanted to know what she could possibly be planning.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?" Alec laughed nervously, obviously trying to make sure the subject stayed changed and didn't veer back into their previous discussion.

"Sounds like a plan." 

-

Alec felt tense as they walked through the downtown streets. It was like being naked, not wearing his usual uniform and mask he had grown so accustomed to. Wearing an old blue t-shirt and worn black sweats, he hadn't felt this... Average? 

He hadn't felt this average in a long time. 

Brooklyn seemed to be in a similar boat, dressed similarly to him. He could remember why they didn't go outside, because outside was unpredictable, especially when there wasn't the added protection of wearing Clave insignia. 

Even though publicly announcing he was a Raven drew more attention his way, it also made him feel invisible. People would go out of their way to avoid bumping shoulders with him, even go as far as crossing the street from blocks away to avoid. 

But, dressed like a normal citizen, they did no such thing. There were so many strangers so close to him. Strangers he didn't know anything about, what if they were dangerous? What if they knew him from before? What if they took him back, to the painful place-

"And, we're here!" Aline announced, gesturing to the diner, Taki's. 

He eyed it wearily, but trusted the Dove enough to follow her inside. The waitstaff seemed to be familiar as they went straight past the hostess to a booth in the corner. Their friend was already waiting, his back towards them. 

Alec moved to sit down across, and Brook was quick to follow. But the second his friend looked up, his entire body went ramrod straight, a slight intake of breath indicating how on edge he suddenly was. 

"Alec, Brooklyn, this is our friend, Ethan," Magnus introduced. Ethan had stood up to let the other two into the booth, sitting directly across from Brook, who looked like he had forgotten how to breathe. 

Alec pinched him under the table, and Brooklyn snapped out of his trance enough to remember to breathe, but not enough to tear his eyes away from the new man. 

Ethan, the man in question, didn't seem to care. He was looking right back at him, a warm smile on his face. "It's nice to meet you," he said. 

Brooklyn nodded slowly at his words, like he was hearing some sort of religious epiphany and had figured out the key to life. 

Oh. Alec stifled a laugh. Brook thought he was attractive. And, like the gay disaster that he was, forgot how to function. 

Everyone sat in comfortable silence while Brooklyn malfunctioned for a few more seconds, and then Magnus decided to start a conversation with Alec and Aline about the weather forecast. They all tried to ignore what was happening not even a foot away from them, but all three were obviously stealing glances at the pair. 

"Have we met before?" Brooklyn suddenly asked, and Ethan chuckled, like he was in on some sort of joke.

"I don't think so, sorry."

Alec observed as Brook's hand unconsciously moved across the table, inches away from where Ethan's arms were resting. 

He smirked, unused to his friend behaving like this. And, Ethan really didn't seem to mind, watching with an enamored look. They had literally just met, and they already needed to just get a room. 

The waiter came by and they all ordered. Well, everyone minus Brooklyn, who offhandedly mumbled that he'd have the same as Ethan. 

Seriously, what was Alec going to do with him?

Most of the meal went about the same way, conversation going from music to other local points of interest. Ethan even contributed a few times, but every time Alec addressed Brooklyn he would give him a "yeah, sure." Clearly unaware of his surroundings. 

At some point, his hand had come to brush against Ethan's arm. 

Magnus and Aline were very clearly amused the entire night, as if this was something they had been expecting, even hoping for. 

When it was time to pay the bill, Alec felt bad when Brooklyn realized it was time to go. 

It stirred something deep inside of him, so he decided to act. "Hey, isn't there a park nearby, that we passed on the way? Would everyone be interested in going for a light walk after this?"

Magnus and him shared a conspiratory smile. 

-

"I think we broke Brooklyn, if I'm being honest," Alec admitted. He was sat on a bench next to Magnus and Aline, all three spying on the pair sitting on the grass a few yards ahead of them.

"One could only hope to find someone that looks at me the way they're looking at each other," Magnus sighed.

"What, no girlfriend?" Alec teased.

"Or boyfriend, sadly." Magnus winked, feeling a surge of confidence.

Alec grinned, licking his lips. "That is sad. You should do something about that."

"Hm, I really should." Magnus nodded his head in agreement.

Alec snorted at the ridiculousness in front of him, drawing Magnus' attention back to them. Brooklyn had brought up a hand to Ethan's face, and was staring at him like he had gone and hung the moon for him.

"If your friend breaks his heart, I'm going to have to kill him, you know?"

Aline didn't seem the least bit worried as she replied, "I don't think that's going to be a problem." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeehaw my dudes! I am officially done with finals and that means it's  
> g r a d u a t i o n t i m e


	16. surrender my everything

Brooklyn was quiet as they got ready for bed, but it was a giddy quiet. A smile hadn't left his face for the rest of the night, and Alec could tell from his light movements that he may as well have been on cloud nine. 

"So, Ethan?" he asked after they had finished brushing their teeth.

Brooklyn grinned, his eyes shining as he replied, "yeah. He's just... I feel like I've been missing him my whole life. Like he was a missing puzzle piece, the reason why nothing was making sense. And I think he likes me back, right? Please tell me he wasn't just being nice because I was such a hot mess."

"He definitely thinks your odd first-meeting was cute, don't worry," Alec reassured.

"Are you sure? I didn't scare him off? I seriously don't know what came over me, it was like my brain short-circuited and didn't know how to process any information. What if I freaked him out, Alec? What if he doesn't want-"

"I'm going to stop you there." Alec held up a finger. "He wouldn't have pulled you aside for some alone time at the park if you had freaked him out. And wasn't he the one that ended the night by saying he couldn't wait to see you again? You have nothing to worry about."

Brook seemed lost in thought, pondering his words. "Sorry for freaking out. I just didn't think I would find someone that I could just see myself with, someone I'm genuinely attracted to. He's like the man of my dreams. If he ends up rejecting me I'm going to call off love for the rest of my life."

"If he ends up rejecting you I'll snap his neck."

"No! No. No matter how much he hurts me, promise me you'll never hurt him." Brooklyn had a desperate look in his eyes. Alec had seen him vulnerable too many times to count, but this was different. He was vulnerable, but determined. Like he would do anything for another person even if it meant hurting himself in the process.

"Okay, Brook. I promise."

-

"So, Alec?" Aline teased.

Magnus blushed. "Shut up."

"Ooh, does someone have a crush?" Catarina joined in. 

They were back at the base, sat around a table eating dinner. It had been a day since the outing with Alec and Brooklyn, but he hadn't caught sight of either of them while at 'work.' He noticed that the chit-chat was lighter today, people in a good mood. Isabelle, however, was quiet, solemnly staring down at her plate as she mindlessly pushed her vegetables around with her fork.

"Everything alright, Izzy?" he asked.

He almost thought that she hadn't heard him, but after a minute she looked up and gave him a weak smile. "It's just... Alec's so different than how I remember him. He was never so talkative, or expressive, I guess is the word I'm looking for. He also wasn't very open about his sexuality, but I think he felt ashamed about it. It's just weird to think that he's happy at the Institute."

"The Institute also caused him a lot of pain," Raphael interjected, "don't forget what he said earlier. He thinks that it was the resistance that hurt him, not the Clave. He thinks he's safe there, and that's contributing to his happiness. When the serum started wearing off, we all saw what happened when he remembered who actually hurt him."

The table fell silent, the only sounds cutlery scraping across plates. 

"The memories are still there." Izzy had pushed her plate away from her, even though it was only half-eaten. "The serum is just blocking the neural pathways in their brains associated with their long-term memory. Once we purge it from their systems completely, they'll remember. And we can use that against the Clave."

"Who's to say they'll be okay once they remember?" Raphael was ever the skeptic. "They were  _feral_. They have post-traumatic stress on steroids, who's to say they won't attack anyone unfamiliar to them? Alec almost mauled Aline, and he would've if Brooklyn hadn't stopped him. We have to think about what's best for them."

"What are you suggesting? That we kill them?" Simon scoffed, but Raphael didn't say anything, just looked down at his food. 

"If it goes down that way, then that's what we'll do," Ethan spoke up, his voice unwavering, "but we will do whatever we can to try and save them first. If we kill them without any consideration of the fact that they're human beings just like us, then we're no better than the monsters that did this to them."

No one had anything to say after that.

-

The next time Magnus saw Alec was a few days later at the Institute's infirmary. He was bleeding from his upper arm, and Magnus couldn't help himself from walking over in concern. 

But as he got closer, he realized that the wound was actually a set of deep scratches, like someone had dug their fingers into their flesh and clawed down, deep into the muscle. 

It was then he noticed Brooklyn sitting on the floor next to Alec, knees pressed against his chest and a blank look on his face. His arms were wrapped around his legs, and-

His right hand was drenched in crimson. 

There was very little question as to how Alec had gotten hurt.

"Alec, are you okay?" he asked once he approached the two Ravens. 

"Huh?" Alec looked up, as if he were doing something as casual as reading a book and Magnus had interrupted him. 

Magnus gestured to the massacre in front of him, and Alec chuckled. "This? 'Tis but a flesh wound." 

Alec didn't seem to be in the slightest bit of pain as the nurse wiped his arm with alcohol wipes, and then spraying it with disinfectant. The bleeding had stemmed, and the skin slowly began the process of stitching itself back together.

"You have the Iratze tech implanted? But I thought that stuff started healing you instantly?" Magnus couldn't help himself, Iratze tech wasn't very common, usually only the rich and wealthy were able to afford such a luxury.

"It usually does. Sometimes if cuts go all the way to bone it needs a little help," Alec explained, glancing at the newly healed skin over his shoulder. All that remained were thin pink lines, and even those were starting to fade.

Magnus paled a bit at the words  _to the bone_ , feeling a bit queasy at the idea. 

The nurse knelt down, lightly grabbing Brooklyn's hand and gently wiping the blood off. Brooklyn didn't acknowledge her, staring off at the space behind her. 

Sebastian rushed in all of the sudden, and stormed over to a woman in a lab coat reviewing something on her tablet. They talk in hushed voices, but it was clear from their faces that something was off. 

They came over to them, and the nurse dismissed herself, having finished her task. The doctor knelt down in turn, pulling out a penlight and flashing it over Brooklyn's eyes. His pupils were blown wide, and Magnus noticed his escalated breathing.

"He's having another anxiety attack. What brought this on?" She dtirected the question at Alec. 

"He was having a night terror. He kept screaming my name, and when he woke up he was disoriented. He kept rambling about Doves coming to get him, how we needed to get out," Alec responded. 

"Are you sure?" Sebastian had a look of deep concern on his face, and Magnus was certain it wasn't for Brooklyn's well-being.

"Well, he was speaking in Spanish. _Las palomas, vienen, necesitamos correr_ ," Alec quoted. If it were under different circumstances, Magnus would've found Alec's bilingualism incredibly attractive.

Sebastian and the doctor shared a look, before she turned and punched a code into a locked cabinet. It beeped, drawer automatically sliding open, and she pulled out a needle pre-filled with a silver liquid. 

Oh, by the Angel, Magnus was going to be sick. 

She took the cap off the needle and rounded the bed so she was facing Brooklyn once more. But, as he made eye-contact with what was in her hands, his breathing evened out, and he calmly stood up.

"I don't need that."

"Brooklyn, it's just a light sedative to help your anxiety."

Alec gave Brooklyn a strange look, and Brooklyn made some sort of gesture with his hand. It must've meant something to Alec, because he got up from the infirmary bed, going to Brooklyn's side and wrapping an arm around his waist. 

"He'll be fine, doctor, don't worry. I think he just needs some rest, I'll make sure he gets back to bed okay. We'll come back or send for someone if we need to." 

"Very well," she agreed, although she seemed wary. Sebastian looked like he was on the verge of saying something, when alarms began to blare, making Magnus jump in place. 

Sebastian’s posture straightened, his expression becoming dark. "There's intruders within the Institute. All of you, get to safety. Alec, Brooklyn, you're up." 

It took everything within Magnus to act surprised, even scared, but deep down his nerves were bursting with excitement.

It had started. 

 

 


	17. Long Way Down

Alec stormed into the tactical room, and everything was going to shit. Doves and Crows scattered unconscious across the floor, desks were flipped, and it was loud. 

Loud enough for Alec to temporarily flinch at the noise, before he felt a cool weight being pressed into his hand. He looked over to see Brooklyn eyeing him wearily, a blade in hand. 

"It's the rebels!" someone yelled, and all hesitation seeped out of his body immediately. 

It was hard to spot them at first, through the sea of chaos. But then, he spotted them. They wore red masks that covered their faces, and moved with brutish force like a wave incoming, leaving the ones in their path no choice but to give way. 

The Crows fell easily to their feet, like they were no match for their rage. Their movements weren't calculated at all. They were quick and sloppy, but with a passion behind them to make up for their lack in technique. 

It was like the Crows couldn't handle them because there was no technique, the incoming strikes too unpredictable for them to react to in the few milliseconds they had to try and defend themselves. 

Why would they come here? To Alec's home? After everything they had done to him?

But when he got close to them, they wouldn't lunge forward to attack. They would squirt around him, create a divider between them. He was furious, and his anger boiled higher with each sidestep. 

"You cowards, fight me already!" he finally shouted, needing to get his revenge already. 

His words seemed to have no effect on them.

He pushed through more Crows, and the fight began to disperse into the hallways, the weapons room, the godforsaken kitchen. And Alec was nowhere closer to getting his hands on those filthy rats.

At some point, he had lost track of Brooklyn.

He never lost track of Brooklyn.

Spinning around on his feet, his pulse quickened. 

"Brook!"

No response.

"Brooklyn!" 

He broke into a dead sprint. On the way, he knocked some Crows off of their feet by accident, but it was their fault for being in his path. 

"Brook!" 

He ended up running halfway across the building before circling back around after finding zilch. He could feel tears begin to sting his eyes, panic starting to settle in. 

"BROOKLYN!" He couldn't even hear himself yelling anymore, his face going numb and his breathing becoming heavy, like oxygen was too thick for his lungs. Taking in air was more like choosing to stab himself repeatedly in the sternum, it was too much, he was unsafe, he needed to get safe, he needed Brooklyn to be safe, Brooklyn could be unsafe right now-

He turned a corner and slammed straight into someone, the other person giving way and crashing to the floor, Alec being able to right himself thanks to trained reflex. 

On the ground was Magnus, and it made him take in the scene before him. 

Brooklyn. He found him. 

Brooklyn was pointing a knife straight at a rebel's chest, whose back was to Alec. Aline was standing off to the side, her back pressed against the wall. Magnus must've been standing close to her, until, well...

The rebel's hands were up in surrender, but Brooklyn had a look of determination about him. He looked ready to strike, about to lunge, when the rebel grabbed his mask and threw it to the floor in one swift movement. 

Brook's eyes grew wide, breath audibly stuttering.

"No. No, No." He took a step back, stumbling a bit. 

"How, how could you?" 

Alec took a step forward in confusion, before Brook lunged, pining the rebel against the wall and putting his face in Alec's view.

And, oh. Shit. 

Brook pressed his blade against Ethan's throat. "Why?"

Aline made a stride forward, and Ethan raised a hand to stop her. He smiled weakly. "It's okay, Brooklyn. I forgive you."

His hand was shaking, and it was clear the Raven was fighting back tears. He shook his head, as if to reject Ethan's words.

"I still love you, Oak. It's okay. I forgive you. It's okay, Oaklyn." Ethan smiled despite the tears streaming across his face, the blood beginning to drip down his neck from where the knife was pressing into his throat.

"It's okay, Oaky. It's okay." 

Recognition flashed through Brooklyn's eyes for a brief moment. He pulled the knife back, aimed for Ethan's head.

The sound of the blade hitting the wall resonated through Alec's bones. 

"What did you call me?" 

"Oaky," Ethan's reply was breathless, like he was lifting a weight off his shoulders. The smile still had yet to leave his face.

"I don't understand."

"Come with me. I can help you understand."

Brook backed away from him, kept stepping back until he was pressed against Alec's chest. 

"How do we know you won't hurt us?" Alec stepped in.

"Because we're not who you think you are. I would never hurt you. None of us would. It was the Clave that hurt you. Doves. We have proof. We can show it to you, and if you still don't believe it, you can leave. You can hurt me." Ethan was telling the truth. Alec could tell. He wished that he wasn't being so open, that he would outright lie to their faces instead.

"You could kill me for all I care," Ethan whispered, "I'm here for you. I love you, Oak. Please, come with me."

He turned, facing Alec, uncertain.

"I'm not going anywhere without you."

He waited for a response, and Alec sighed. He looked over at Magnus and Aline, who had been silent bystanders the whole time. 

"Magnus," he started, "Was it all a lie?"

"What are you talking about?"

Alec scoffed. "Being nice, pretending to care?"

Magnus got a sad look in his eye, as if he were sorry for him. "All I ever did was treat you like a human being."

He looked back over to Brooklyn, only to see him stealing glances at the man that seemed to know him more than he had initially led on.

"Why would the Clave hurt us? They saved us."

Magnus looked like he had been slapped. "From who, Alec? _Las palomas?"_

Oh.  _Oh._

"They told you who hurt you. But do you remember? Can you see the memory in your head of what actually happened to you?" 


	18. take my mind & take my pain

As they fled the Institute, Magnus could feel the paranoia creeping up his neck with each footfall. They weren't followed, seeing as they had decimated the Doves and Crows that had tried to get in their path.

But, they had lost a few to some of the Ravens on hand. It was something he had noticed during the heat of battle, but the pump of adrenaline in his veins and the chaos around him had pushed it to the back of his mind.

It was back to the forefront now that they were making the trek back to safety. As he looked around the familiar faces running alongside him his heart clenched that not everyone had made it through. That they wouldn't survive to see their efforts begin to come to fruition. 

Once they got to the back road where they had stashed a multitude of vehicles, he hoped into one of the vans. Turning, he saw Alec and Brooklyn hesitating to follow. 

"It's safe, I promise."

Alec slowly nodded at his words, but made no move forward. 

"You can go back if you still want to. No one is going to force you to come with us," he reassured, and those seemed to be the magic words.

The ride back was dead silent.

So was the wall back to the coffee shop that was now Magnus' home. He could feel the electricity of nervous tension from the rebels around them as they led the Ravens into their base, not bothering to be discreet about it at all. 

There had been a long discussion about whether or not to blindfold them if they had managed to convince them to come home, but Ethan had stressed over and over that complete transparency was the fastest way to earn the Ravens' trust. Trust they needed for the upcoming steps of the plan, trust necessary in the long run.

As they descended the narrow staircase Magnus hoped that everything worked out in the end. That Brooklyn and Alec didn't run for the hills, expose their location and identities to the Clave, assist in helping shut down years of work and sacrifice. Bringing them here was a risk, and he could understand why so many were hesitant to so easily let them behind the curtain. 

But Ethan was their leader, and if they didn't trust his decisions, however blinded by love... Well, they shouldn't be following him in the first place, seeing how love was the whole reason he was so dedicated to the rebellion in the first place. 

People eyed the Ravens wearily as they entered the main space. Alec and Brooklyn were pressed into each other's sides, so tightly together it could be hard to decipher where one started and the other ended. 

There was a scream, causing Magnus—and others around him—to practically jump out of their skins. It was none other than Izzy charging forward, a wide grin on her face and tears streaming down her cheeks. 

She was headed straight for her estranged brother, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. 

Before she could fully reach him, just feet away, he struck her. Palm outstretched, he knocked her to the floor without a moment's hesitation. 

Stunned, no one moved. Alec had taken a defensive stance, had taken a step in front of Brooklyn unconsciously. 

"Hey, hey, hey." Simon, of all people, interfered. "It's okay. She's not going to hurt you, she's just excited to see you."

Alec squinted at him suspiciously, but relaxed. 

"Come on, are you hungry? Let's get some food in you," Ethan offered, and both Ravens followed as he led them to the kitchen. Magnus helped Izzy up off the floor, giving her arm a squeeze of comfort. She gave him a sad smile, wiping her tears with her sleeve. 

"Would you like something hot to drink?" Ethan asked.

Alec nodded. "Coffee, if you have it."

Ethan put on a pot, before looking over his shoulder. "Brooklyn?" 

He also nodded, but gave a look of protest. "But I want-"

"Tea," Ethan supplied, "Green, peppermint, earl grey?"

Brooklyn looked shocked for a moment, before smiling lightly. "Peppermint's fine."

-

The Ravens seemed more at peace after being fed and getting a tour of the base. They had made a strange point of opening and closing doors as they went off into individual rooms, as if they were waiting for something to happen. 

They finished off at the dormitories, which were really a multitude of various sized rooms, filled with as many beds as possible. Magnus had been following out of mere curiosity at this point, but was surprised when Ethan led them into his own personal room. He had never been inside of it before, as the door was typically closed at all times. 

"Here's where you'll be staying," Ethan said, "If you want another mattress, let me know, but I figured you two would want to share."

Alec had stood off to the side of the doorway, eyes scanning the entirety of the room. Brooklyn, on the other hand, had ventured off to photographs that had been taped up. From where he was standing, Magnus could tell that Brooklyn was in a good majority of them.

"This is your room." Brooklyn turned to face the leader. "Where will you be sleeping?" 

"We have other beds, I won't be that displaced. Don't worry."

Brooklyn turned to Alec, and they seemed to have a silent conversation with each other using just their eyes.

"You're sleeping in here," Brooklyn declared, "this is your room."

"It's okay, Oak, really," Ethan began to protest, but was cut off.

"No." Alec stepped forward so the two were face-to-face. "You're sleeping in here. Brook and I will take one of the spare beds."

Ethan shook his head. "All of the other rooms you'd have to share with other people. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

Brooklyn turned back to the photos. "What were we, to each other?" 

Ethan answered without a moment's hesitation, "Everything."

"Then you'll sleep in here. Because I, I think I cared about you a lot. And you're not going to argue with me on that. Alec and I will sleep in here if that's what you want, but we'll take the floor. Hell, we'll sleep on the floor in the goddamn hallway. But I don't want you to feel like you make me uncomfortable, because you don't."

Magnus excused himself from the room, feeling like an intruder all of the sudden. Of course, it didn't stop him from eavesdropping. 

"We don't need to have this conversation right now. You still don't have all of your memories, and this is all new to you. You still don't know if you can trust us."

"Ethan, the fact that you're making a point to gain our trust and figure things out for ourselves is all I need to know. Because all the Clave ever did was tell us what to believe. And, no, I may not remember how I know you, or what happened to me, but I have my feelings. And you make me feel safe. That has to count for something." 

There was the sound of a sob, followed by an "okay." 

"Did I love you?"

"Yeah. We loved each other a lot."

-

Magnus wasn't entirely sure how the sleeping arrangements had worked out in the end, but by breakfast, the Ravens seemed well-rested. 

They were sat at a table eating their cereal in peace. He noted how Brooklyn was sat between Alec and Ethan, and was occasional glances at his former lover. 

He sat across from Alec hesitantly, but as he was greeted with a casual smile he was glad he did. Sue him, the older Lightwood hadn't suddenly stopped being unbelievably attractive. 

He heard the sound of a bowl being sat down next to him, and he looked to find Izzy taking the seat next to him. 

"Hi," she started, "I'm Isabelle. I'd like to apologize about yesterday, I didn't mean to startle you." 

Alec chewed as he processed her words, before giving a shrug in response. "Okay."

"Do you, do you recognize me?" She stumbled over her words a bit, but had a look of determination about her. 

He stared at her for a brief moment. "You're familiar. You knew me, from before?"

She nodded, grinning.

Alec kept staring. "If you're like my Ethan or something, I'm going to tell you know that I definitely don't feel like a spark, or whatever, I'm very gay. I doubt that in any of my past lives I could've ever been straight."

Izzy laughed at his response, genuine, loud laughter. "By the Angel, no!" And, more quietly, "I'm your sister."

There was a flash of recognition in his eyes, but it was gone just as fast as it had arrived.

"Isabelle," Alec tested the name on his tongue, "Izzy for short?"

"Yeah, that works."

He felt calm as happy chatter overtook the group gathered. Things were looking bright. Their efforts hadn't been for naught, after all.  


	19. like an empty bottle takes the rain

Alec groaned, the fluorescent lights above him blinding, aggravating what was already a searing headache. Squinting, he turned away, the room spinning as he tried to collect his bearings. 

Then, it started coming back to him. Looking down, he realized he was strapped down to the hospital bed, the restraints barely loose enough for him to breathe comfortably. A nurse was taking blood samples from him, muttering something to someone stood behind Alec.

He was going to die. 

His chest ached at the thought that he would never see his family again. Izzy's screams echoed through his mind, and he longed to do anything possible to quiet them. 

_"Alec! Please! Don't take him! He hasn't done anything wrong!"_

He may not be a criminal, but the Clave had deemed him unnecessary, a non-contributor to society. He was a waste of resources, and to battle overpopulation, he needed to go.

He hoped dying would be quick. He knew it was by lethal injection, but was dying painful? Or would it be like peacefully falling asleep?

It felt like his mouth was stuffed full of cotton, and he swallowed in an attempt to make it not feel like he was suffocating on his own tongue. 

The door behind him clicked open, and a pair of doctors walked in, lab coats just as pristine white as the room they were in. 

"Have the results come in?" one asked the nurse.

"He's clean. Family history and medical records show he's in excellent health. He's a viable candidate," the nurse answered, in a way that made it seem like Alec wasn't even in the room with them.

"Well, Mr. Morgenstern, it would appear that we've gotten lucky. Do you have an idea of who you want to pair him with?" One doctor asked the other. 

Morgenstern, Alec assumed, walked closer to him, eyes trailing up and down his body. "We could pair him with that feisty one that came in yesterday, the fighter. Maybe he'll help calm his temperament down."

Pair? Why didn't they just put him down already?

He went to open his mouth to speak, to ask what the hell was going on, but he was so tired. He tried fighting through it, but his eyelids were so heavy, his whole body listless. Feeling like his bones were anchoring him down, he lulled off into a dead sleep. 

When he woke up again, he was still bound to the gurney. At first, he thought the lights above were flashing, but as his vision focused he realized the light rocking motion underneath him was attributed to the fact he was moving. Being wheeled to his untimely doom. 

There was someone above him, but their face was largely covered by a surgical mask, and from the awkward angle it was impossible for Alec to decipher much else. 

At some point, they stopped, and more voices began talking. The sounds were like gibberish to him, but he had a hunch they were talking about him. 

"2277, being paired with 2276."

"Cell twenty-four is prepped and ready for them."

Moving once more. Stopping once more. Door opening, closing. People in pure white that looked like angels loosened his restraints, then lifted him out of the gurney. Maybe he was dead. Or in the process of dying.

He was set on cold, barren concrete. It felt nice. 

Door open, door close. He wasn't alone. 

As the sedatives left his system over the next couple of hours, he shifted from his side onto his back, onto his other side, stomach, trying to alleviate the crick in his neck and back. The concrete floor was hard and unforgiving, and soon the biting cold made his muscles protest with ache after each minuscule movement.

He was thirsty. Rolling his head to look around, he noted there was no water. The walls were all concrete, practically identical to each other. There was no lighting in the room, but the wall opposite to the door had an opaque window letting in dim blue light from the moon. There was a toilet close to the door. 

That was it. 

At some point, exhaustion knocked him out, and he didn't wake again until bright, natural light was seeping in from the window. Alec's throat screamed at him, and he desperately needed water. 

And food, his stomach pained. 

But as the hours went by, the door stayed closed. No sound came from the other side of it to indicate there was anyone there coming to bring them anything.

Them. Him and the other boy, who had seldom moved since Alec had arrived. 

Maybe he was dead. Maybe this was Hell. 

He wanted to cry, but he didn't have the water to spare.

By the second day, he dragged himself over to the toilet, grimacing as he dipped a hand in, cupping his palm. He didn't regret it too much as soon as he drank, going back for more. If it killed him, so what? Maybe then the clenching pain in his gut and the spreading ache through his whole being would come to a quiet. 

Turning, he crawled over to the other boy, gently rolling him onto his back. He blinked at Alec, eyes telling him all he needed to know.

Lifting his head, Alec brought water to his mouth, hopeful their joint suffering would be over soon. 

Where was the lethal injection? Why were they here? 

Why?

Days kept going by, and Alec felt like he was going insane. He wasn't even alone, the other body a comforting presence. But it was quiet, and all he could think about was the ever-consuming hunger. Eventually, he didn't even feel thirsty anymore, no longer motivated to make the effort to get water in him. Breathing became painful, and even shifting positions were out of the question. He would come in and out of consciousness, and he was so cold. He may as well have been made out of ice himself. He would occasionally shiver, and the tiny ministrations make his skin crack like the dry earth on a hot summer's day.

It was all he could focus on. The feeling of withering away, helpless as his own body ate away at itself. 

What would his family think? To know that this was how he was going to go?

He soiled himself, and it was warm for a moment, but then the cold intensified. 

The door opened a few days... weeks? 

The door opened, and they were saved. 

If only he had known that the worst was yet to come.  

 


	20. like an empty sail takes the wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: explicit torture, water boarding

"What's happening to them?" Izzy asked.

Brooklyn and Alec were sweating so much their clothes were drenched, the sheets beneath them pooling with moisture. They were trembling, faces scrunched up in pain despite the fact they were completely passed out.

"They're going through withdrawal from the serum," Catarina answered, looking through a file in her hands. "It'll be a few days until it's over." 

At some point or another, Alec began to convulse in place, choking and gasping as spit foamed out of his mouth. Cat had to drag Izzy out of the room kicking and screaming, telling her there was nothing she could do to help. They could only wait for the seizure to pass. 

Her and Ethan remained unmoving by their sides, pestering the medics with questions every time they came in to check vitals or check on the IV drip. 

By the third day, Brooklyn gasped, eyes blinking open. The sweat made his hair cling to his forehead, and Ethan brushed it away gently. 

"Hey," he said, and Brook blinked at him sluggishly. 

"Please," the Raven begged, "just let me die already."

Ethan gaped, mouth opening and closing as he tried to formulate a response, but before he could, Brooklyn passed out once more.

A few hours later, Alec woke up, screaming when Izzy tried to physically comfort him.

"Please, please, don't. I, I can't take anymore."

Izzy blinked back tears. "Anymore, what? Alec?"

He sobbed, the ugly kind of sob that shakes your whole being. "S-stop. I won't do it anymore."

Alec made a choking noise, like he was trying to swallow his pain, keep the sobbing at bay. "I won't do it anymore."

-

"Please! I'll stop!" Alec begged, and Aldertree kicked him where he was crouched on the ground. 

"What are you doing wrong?" The Dove demanded of him.

Alec wish he knew. "I, I, I won't do it again."

"What are you doing wrong?!" 

Alec swallowed, clenching his eyes shut. "I resisted against the Doves."

"And, this isn't the first time. I believe we need to try a new tactic in order to get your compliant cooperation," Aldertree said, and Alec's gut flipped.  _Please,_ he hoped,  _no more electrocution._

The door opened, and two Doves carried in a large metal tub. As they set it down, water sloshed over the brim. Mentally preparing himself, he was surprised when the handlers walked past him. His gaze automatically followed them, and he tensed when he realized they were heading towards Brooklyn, who was curled in the corner. 

"NO!" Alec protested, lunging, but Aldertree grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. His arms were wrangled behind his back, and he was pressed onto the floor, Aldertree's foot firm between Alec's shoulder blades. 

Brooklyn didn't even thrash as they drug him towards the trough. His eyes were empty, and the fight within him had been extinguished days ago. 

"Rho 2277, why are you being punished?" 

"Please don't hurt him," he begged. 

That wasn't the right answer, because the handlers grabbed Brook by the arms, and one reached to the back of his head. They submerged his head under the water, unrelenting as Brooklyn automatically began to push back against them. 

It was a sad thing to watch. He wasn't fighting enough, it was closer to an automatic response than a willing attempt to try and get air. Deep down, a part of him hoped Brook would go still already, not come up again. 

And then, they pulled him out, and Brook gasped, spitting out water.

"Rho 2277, why are you being punished?"

"For acting against the Clave. I am loyal to the Clave. My purpose is to serve and protect the Clave," Alec parroted.

Aldertree hummed in approval. "If you serve and protect the Clave, the Clave will serve and protect those you care about."

Those he cared about. Brooklyn. 

There was no one else. Without Brooklyn, he was alone. 

He was alone before. He couldn't remember before, it was all dark and fuzzy. No warmth, just emptiness. 

But, when he was safe, he was warm. And he needed Brooklyn to be safe, in order to be safe himself. 

The Doves left, taking the horrid thing with them, and it was just the two of them again. He crawled over to Brook, bringing both of them over to their bed, wrapping them in a blanket.

"Safe," he said.

Brooklyn's grip around him tightened.

"Safe," he repeated. 

-

They were left alone for some time. It was hard to remember where they were, how they had gotten there. 

At some point, a man had entered the room, and Alec knew he recognized that face.

"Hello. My name is Victor Aldertree," he introduced himself, "I'm safe."

Safe. He could be trusted. 

Aldertree didn't hurt them. He came back, bringing food and water and warm blankets. Eventually, he took them away from the unsafe place.

"I work for the Clave. We're here to serve and protect you. Keep you safe. All we ask in return, is that you serve and protect the Clave yourselves."

Alec pressed harder into Brooklyn, the only person he could remember. The only person from before? 

The only person he knew to always be safe. He needed him to be safe. 

"Safe?" he asked the Dove.

"Exactly. You serve the Clave, and both Brooklyn and yourself will be safe. No more unsafe." 

No more unsafe. No more pain. Was it too good to be true?

All he could remember was the cold. The new place wasn't cold. It was different. Warm. The windows weren't opaque, you could see the green outdoors. 

Had he been in the cold his whole life? 

Alec, in all honesty, didn't want to remember. Thinking too much about his past physically pained him, made his head split and nausea overcome him. 

He wasn't cold now, and that was all that mattered.

All that mattered was that he was safe. 

-

And, he was safe. He stayed safe. Over time, it was harder to remember how exactly the Clave saved them, but they continued to keep him safe. They never hurt him, and they never hurt Brooklyn. 

And that was all that mattered.

Safe. 


	21. like an ocean takes the dirty sand

Brooklyn laughed as he barely managed to save himself from rolling off the bed.

"Shh!" Ethan giggled, "if we wake up my family I swear."

Brook hummed in response, before leaning over and pressing a sloppy kiss to his boyfriend's cheek, barely catching the side of his mouth. The room was dimly illuminating by the moonlight, but it didn't do anything to discourage the two teenagers. 

Ethan sat up, pushing Brooklyn onto his back and moving to straddle his waist. He connected their lips once more, reveling in the taste of chamomile tea and ecstatic bliss. He could feel his heart pounding, threatening to burst from his chest. This never got old, kissing Oak was always refreshing, like each time they came in contact with each other it was their first time. 

Oak's hands tugged at the hem of his shirt, with such a force he was surprised the shirt didn't tear. He lifted his arms, letting the offensive thing be discarded.

He shivered as cold fingers grazed his skin, a gasp involuntarily escaping him. It was hard to see, but he could've sworn Brooklyn was grinning like a cat that got the cream. 

Icy hands began to trail over the expanse of exposed skin, slowly inching up his back, swirling around his shoulders, strolling down his chest. Goosebumps erupted with the persistent touch, but it was a welcome feeling.

If those hands had been cold enough to give him frostbite, he would've gladly taken it. The frigid brush made him feel alive, even though it was softly killing him at the same time. 

"If you keep doing that," he warned, "I'm not going to last much longer."

Ethan was burning up, a short fuse ready to give. Brooklyn sat up, gripping his hips and dragging him impossibly closer, their chests flush together. 

His skin felt raw as freezing fingers dipped under his waistband, and even though he was on the receiving end of the pleasure, he felt like he was the one doing the worshiping. Like he was an offering, and he wanted everything he could give to be consumed by the empyrean being before him. 

His vision went white, and he was sent gasping for air. Everything was hazy, but he was grounded by the feeling of gentle kisses being pressed into his hair. Of being tenderly laid down onto the bed, as if he was made of the finest porcelain. 

"I love you," was whispered into his ear, and he mumbled something unintelligible in response. 

He fell asleep to the sounds of praises and admiration overwhelming him. 

-

Ethan shot out of bed with a start, letting out soft curses as he took in his surroundings. He was in his room at the base, and, thankfully, his door was closed and locked. He only hoped he hadn't been gone enough for the echoes of the memory to make him cry out in his sleep. That no passerby in the hall had heard more than he wanted them to. 

Alec and Brooklyn were still passed out on the mattress that had been set on the floor by the foot of the bed. Cleaning up his mess quickly, once he was done he found himself being magnetically pulled over to the pair. Sitting crisscross on the ground, he raised a hand to brush Brooklyn's bangs out of his face, but stopped himself halfway.

He was asleep, what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, Ethan reasoned. 

Running his hand through the dark brown hair made him happier than it should have. 

It was slick with sweat, greasy from going half a week without being washed, but he couldn't bring himself to care. A few months ago, he believed he would never be able to do this again. 

His heart clenched. A few years ago, he believed he had nothing left to live for. 

-

"Where's his body?" he demanded at the Dove, slamming his hands against the desk. 

"Mr. Ke, like all of the other Cullen, he was buried in one of the public mass graves," the timid woman responded, clearly not equipped for this level of rage.

"Then why can't anyone give me the fucking lot number? This is the third time I've come here this week, and every time they claim it's a clerical error! That they'll work on fixing it! I deserve the right to know where you assholes, where you—" 

He couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence, throat tightening.

She motioned for him to wait, getting up and rushing away. She came back with some woman much older, likely her superior.

"Mr. Ke, firstly, I wish to humbly apologize for your loss. We contacted the New York Institute directly, and it would appear that somewhere along the line certain paperwork was misplaced. While we don't know which lot your loved one was put to rest, we can approximate based off the date of his Culling."

Seething, he shoved the items atop the desk onto the floor in one fell swoop. He didn't feel any regret as he watched papers fly, the computer monitor smashing into bits, a glass paperweight shattering. 

"You're telling me I'm supposed to settle with a wild fucking guess?!" he yelled, and everyone in the room flinched away. He was prepared to burn this place to the ground, because they deserved so much more than that in retaliation for the pain. 

The mind-numbing pain that made him feel empty. 

-

He had been recruited for the rebellion while withering away at the Clave's New York cemetery. He was sat in the middle of the three plots where... 

Where he could be. 

"You lied to me," he told the overturned earth, which had begun to sprout blades of grass and wildflowers. 

"How am I supposed to be okay? What am I supposed to do now?" 

He had been so close to ending it all, when the resistance had found him.

-

Brooklyn stirred, and Ethan paused, but didn't bother to pull his hand away. Oaklyn's eyes fluttered open, bright and clear as he took Ethan in. 

What he wasn't expecting was to be barreled into, getting knocked onto his back as hands curled around his arms in a death grip.

Brooklyn straddled his waist, pupils blown wide as he stared down at him. 

The grip loosened, and a hand came up to cup his cheek. "Is this real?"

Oak's voice was steady, despite sounding unsure of himself. 

Ethan smiled, nodded. "Yeah. Yeah. Oaky?"

Brooklyn's breath stuttered, and he lunged forward, capturing Ethan's lips in an instant. 

"You found me," he said after pulling away, "you found me."

Foreheads pressed together, Ethan didn't hold back as tears rolled down. But, for the first time in a long time, it was in pure, unadulterated happiness. 

They probably only stayed like that for a few minutes, but time slowed in a way that made it feel like they had been there for hours, just soaking the other in. When they finally got up, it was to the sounds of Alec beginning to rise. 

"'Rook?" he sleepily mumbled, and Brook let out a laugh. 

"I'll tell Izzy you're awake," Ethan said, moving towards the door, but a hand grabbed his wrist, effectively stopping him.

"We'll go with you." 

-

As they walked out into the main area, Brooklyn wrapped around one of Ethan's arms with Alec trailing closely behind, many sent curious glances their way. 

Isabelle saw them, and approached cautiously. She seemed just as shocked when Alec stormed at her, engulfing her in a hug and crying out in joy. Their reunion was just as emotional, tears shed and incredulous laughs filling the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to start listening to more upbeat music when I write or all I do is cause my children more pain lmao
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I promise we're going uphill from here or the "angst with a happy ending" tag is a lie


	22. and tell me some things last

Alec wasn't sure how to act around the rebels now that he remembered. He didn't fit right in their puzzle, he was a piece that was never supposed to be assembled with the rest of them. 

They were passionate, full of hope. 

Alec was terrified, full of fear. 

And it was so hard to not let it show. 

Someone set down a plate with too much force, and he jumped out of his skin at the noise. Someone would talk expressively with their hands, moving too quickly, and he would flinch away like he had been struck. 

He could feel their eyes on him, full of pity, and he hated it. Because they hadn't looked at him this way before, even though the only thing different was his memories. 

What was better? Them looking at him with fear? Or with insurmountable sadness?

"You can talk about it, you know," Izzy brought up a hand to his shoulder, but he hadn't seen her start to make the movement, couldn't help himself as he scrambled to get away with the unpredictable touch. As hurt flashed on her face, the self-hate within him churned. 

His presence wasn't supposed to hurt her anymore. He wished more than anything he could just go back to being her stoic older brother, the one whose biggest worries were coming out of the closet to his parents.

"Mom and Dad?" he turned and asked.

Izzy smiled. "They don't know, yet. They think I'm working an internship in Washington. But I'm sure they're going to be so happy when they see you again."

Doubtful. He was never good enough before, and now he was broken, a murderer.

Their faces haunted him as he tried to sleep that night. If it wasn't that, it was his mind wandering to the unsafe place. 

Which he now knew was within the Institute, the place he had believed to be safe for years. But, they had been the same place. How was he supposed to cope with that information, ever feel safe once more? 

The people he had trusted were the ones that had inflicted unrelenting pain. That had torn him away from his family, his memories of comfort and love.

"It's a modified version of Stockholm Syndrome," he heard Raphael explain from around the corner one morning, "they get the victims to worship the Clave as a survival tactic, and then disrupt their long-term memory. They still feel the effects of post-traumatic stress, but lie to them and tell them it was the resistance that tortured them. And, desperate to avoid further pain and fear, they become compliant to their demands."

He honestly wished they had just killed him instead of trying to save him. 

Because he remembered Izzy from before, but how was he to know that she wouldn't try and hurt him too? That they weren't manipulating him to get Clave secrets from his time as a Raven?

Brooklyn was just as skittish, but seemed to be having an easier time in trusting the people from his previous life. While he rarely left Alec's sight, he followed Ethan like a lost puppy. At night, he crawled into Ethan's bed, leaving Alec to battle his demons by himself. 

It was selfish, but he couldn't stop himself. What did Ethan know about what they had been through? He calls Brooklyn by a certain nickname, claims to love him, and gets his full trust without a second thought? He had lied to them about what he was, who he was.

But, he had to admit, he was glad there was someone there for his friend. And, Brooklyn hadn't really abandoned him. When he awoke in the dead of the night, screaming, he was right there, reminding him it was over now.

Except, it really wasn't. Because the rebels' mission hadn't been to retrieve them. They still had a whole government to bring down. Days and nights were spent intricately planning, contacting other bases and sharing information and updates. 

Ethan, Aline, and some others were gathered around a table, pointing at a map and talking among themselves. Brooklyn was sat to Ethan's right, curled into a ball and fast asleep in his chair.

That meant Alec was a few feet away, sat on the ground with his back against the wall. 

Someone made a point of loudly walking towards him, and he was grateful for the small gesture. Magnus sat down next to him, leaving a few inches of space between them.

"You haven't really voiced an opinion on this whole resistance against the Clave thing. I'd understand if it makes you feel weird. But, if you want someone to talk to, someone that won't compare you to the person you were before, I want to listen. I don't even have to talk back if that's what you want," Magnus stated.

Alec let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "I just, I feel like I'm not helping. I don't serve a purpose here other than making people walk around me like they're treading on eggshells. I support the idea that the Clave needs to be stopped, but... They're powerful. Hurting and killing people is the thing they do best."

"Don't feel like you're a burden, Alec. You're allowed to be treated delicately, you went through a trauma most couldn't even dream of. You will recover. Your purpose is to exist. Your story has motivated so many here to work even harder for the rebellion."

"I shouldn't need special treatment," he protested.

Magnus gave him a warm smile. "You're a special person. Even without what happened to you, you deserve to be treated differently than the average person. Better." 


	23. I'm still here because of you

It was 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. 

There were twenty-six people in the room, exactly, and six of them were too close to Alec. 

He was stood in the corner, back to the wall, making sure to not lose sight of those around him. If something would happen, he would see it. While this place was safe now, that could easily be an illusion. Everywhere was dangerous, no place was truly safe. Especially considering the fact Alec barely knew the majority of the twenty-six. He knew Izzy the most, and even she wasn't safe. 

He was helpless, couldn't live up to the expectations of what he had been. 

How was he supposed to feel safe among a group of strangers? 

These same thoughts had been plaguing him for the few weeks he had been here, ever-persistent. He wasn't even sure if scared or anxious was the right way to describe what he was experiencing. He felt detached from his own body, like he wasn't able to control himself. Emotions hit him in ripples, starting strong and dissipating with each pulse. 

"Hey." Brooklyn's voice directed his attention.

"Hi," Alec mumbled. He didn't tear his eyes away from his scanning, his response the only indication that he knew Brook was there.

"I'm going to the conference room to do my EMDR therapy, if you want to come with. I think it'll help. It doesn't magically fix everything, but it makes it easier."

"How do you trust them, so easily?"

Brooklyn huffed, "I don't. I'm not doing the therapy to get along with them. I'm doing it so I can get some damn sleep without needing a round of horse tranquilizers. I'm doing it to get control back over my own mind."

Alec finally looked at him, really looked at him. Brook looked as much a mess as he did, eyes sunken. He looked so tired. But, behind the pain, there was hope. 

"How're things with you and Ethan?" 

It was Brooklyn's turn to look away, scanning over the small crowd. "I wasn't the only one hurting these past few years. He's dealing with his own PTSD. It's... He understands, Alec. I know you keep saying that they can't, but... Ethan makes breathing easier."

"I just feel like you're adjusting faster than I am. I feel like I'm getting left behind because I'm having a harder time accepting it," Alec admitted, "I don't even know if I want to fit in here."

"I'm not going anywhere. And it's not all peaches and rainbows for me, either. I, I freaked out at Ethan this morning. I forgot where I was, who he was, all I could think about was trying to get away. To get safe. I fucking hit him. It took him half an hour to, to get me back."

Brooklyn had closed his eyes halfway through, resting his head against the wall. 

"He knows you didn't mean it," he tried to reassure.

Brook shook his head, eyebrows furrowing. "I've never raised a hand against him. I don't why he's still here, now that I've hurt him, incapable of stopping myself. You talk about adjustment? Fitting in? I'm struggling just as much as you are."

Neither of them spoke after that, and neither of them tried to pick the conversation back up. Because there was nothing left to salvage. You could glue a broken vase back together, but you could never hide the cracks completely. 

He did his best to become invisible, a shadow. Izzy had tried to pull him back to center stage a few times, but with each time he flinched away from her, yelled at her to stay away, the more she stayed away. He wasn't even sure if he was trying to purposely push her away, because he desperately longed to pull her into a hug and never let go every time. 

Catarina, who worked as a nurse in the infirmary, tried just as hard as Izzy to try and convince him to talk to the psychologist they had on hand. The one Ethan had convinced Brook to start seeing. But they were spies, working to uncover the Clave's secrets. He didn't want to protect the Clave, but also didn't want to take a stand against them. He wanted nothing to do with them anymore. 

Talking about them, to someone who didn't know the Clave like he did, was out of the question. 

"Getting into a routine will help," Cat was telling him as he poured himself a cup of coffee, "if you keep reverting back to certain behaviors for comfort, the longer it's going to take you to get back to a normal life."

Normal. What was normal? Being a Raven surely wasn't, but aiding in the rebellion wasn't much better. Alec still hadn't escaped the war zone despite the change in scenery. 

Dumping the coffee down the drain, not wanting it anymore, he turned and walked away from her. Her good intentions be damned. 

Saying those things to him only made him feel more ashamed. He had been helpless to the abuse, the torture. Completely defenseless. The only reason it ended was because the Clave had managed to break him, hacked into his brain and made him believe their lies. 

And, here he was. Letting those bastards continue to affect him, hurt him despite the distance between them. He knew the truth now, but all it had done was expose him for what he truly was.

A victim. 

He ended up outside, having followed Brooklyn on a whim. The streets were fairly empty, most people still at work, or hiding indoors from the beating summer sun. They were in the industrial district, and the smoke of tar and carbon monoxide stinging his lungs. 

It was just the two of them. 

They didn't stay out there very long, turning back around and fleeing to more familiar space within minutes. 

Brooklyn dismissed himself, talking about taking a nap—code for laying in bed and staring holes into the wall—and Alec wandered off through the cramped halls. He didn't have a destination in mind, just needed to keep his limbs moving so the voices stayed away. 

"Alec, hey! Wait up!" 

He didn't want any distractions, but found himself relenting to Magnus' calls. 

Unlike Izzy, Magnus was not easily discouraged, having self-proclaimed that he 'loves a challenge.'

Magnus bounced, actually bounced, over to him, something in his hands. He presented the object to Alec like it was a crown jewel, seemingly proud of himself for hunting it down.

"You know how you said that you like to read before you go to bed? I thought maybe it'd help you fall asleep better if you actually had a book, here, to read."

Alec gingerly took it from him, running his hands over the cover and spine.  _The Great Gatsby._

"Why this book?" Alec couldn't help but ask. 

Magnus chuckled, "Brooklyn said you were a big fan of classics, and I wasn't able to obtain a copy of  _The Picture of Dorian Gray._ This was the next gayest thing."

Alec burst out laughing. "You know, one could argue that classic literature in itself is pretty gay."

Magnus mocked rubbing his chin in thought. "I don't know, I think historic nonfiction is much higher on the homosexuality spectrum. All those old white men writing sets of books about other white men?" 

"Or," Alec countered, "it's a way of them transferring their fragile masculinity, writing about figures they perceive to be greater than themselves. In an attempt to be like them, they can't help but repeat history instead of preventing said repetition."

Magnus raised his hands in surrender. "Alright, Alexander, you win. I am helpless in debates against beautiful men, let alone an intellectual one."

He blushed, sputtering. His brain stopped working as he tried to formulate a proper response. 

Finally, "thank you, Magnus. For the book."

Magnus grinned, spinning on his heel as he walked away, blowing a kiss in his direction. 

And, wow. Instead of a ripple, it felt like he was being slammed with a tsunami of emotion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to make it clear now that I do not intend to romanticize trauma or mental illness, and if you are hoping for that, I'm not sorry to disappoint.


	24. I'm never ever going to change

They had been with the New York rebellion for four weeks now. Because of the annihilation of the majority of the local Institute's personnel, Clave representatives were now scrambling to pick up the pieces. 

They had told the public absolutely nothing. 

Of course, the public didn't even notice that anything was amiss. It was summer, and there were significantly less Cullings this time of year because schools weren't in session. 

And, there were still quite a few NY Ravens running around under mind control. Unlike Crows, who had willing enlisted, the Ravens were forced into becoming the Clave's soldiers. So, during the ambush, they had purposely avoided getting into a skirmish with them. 

Rebellion leaders across the country were in debate over how to handle the Raven situation, because it wasn't just a problem concentrated in one state. Evidence had amassed proving Project Instinct, once proven successful, had been implemented across North America. 

While it was argued Ravens deserved to pay for their crimes, it seemed that weaning them off the serum and recovering their long-term memory was punishment enough. 

Magnus grimaced as the psychologist consulted with the group gathered in the meeting room. 

"Complex Post-Traumatic Syndrome Disorder occurs after repeated or prolonged trauma. With normal PTSD it's rooted in one specific traumatic event. While we are making progress with the EMDR treatment, what happened to Brooklyn and Alec is still a fresh wound. I'm helping them process the memory and help break repetitive behaviors, but it's also important to give them a routine. Small tasks to give them purpose, create new behaviors," she explained. 

-

The recovery process was slow, but visible. With each day, Magnus was able to see Alec's healing first-hand. He no longer hoarded food under random beds, even if he still had to count the number of soup cans in the cupboard every morning. He was less skittish around people, even if he always made sure to keep his back facing the wall so he had a clear view of the entire room. 

He would smile more, no matter how small, it made Magnus feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. And, if the reason he smiled was mostly because of Magnus, well... 

It made Magnus smile twice as wide in return. 

He kept bringing Alec books. The man would plow through them within days, and it meant that he suddenly began to regularly shop at secondhand bookstores. He was fairly certain Catarina had noticed the stack he had accumulated underneath his respective bed, but she hadn't made any sort of comment, just winking at him with a knowing glint in her eyes.

Okay, yeah, so maybe it was a little much to have twenty-ish books on hand in preparation for Alec coming to him to ask if he had another title for him. But it never hurt to be a little over-prepared, especially since Magnus didn't want to seem like some sort of fool for not having a book when Alec knew him to have books. 

That sentence totally made sense. Magnus did not have an infatuation, he swears. He just liked the way Alec perked up, all the darkness leaving his eyes for a moment. Like the weight of the world wasn't on his shoulders, like the answer to happiness was contained in a package of paper bound in glue, the words inside of them unknown to its holder until they carefully examined each page. 

He also totally was not serving the role as Alec's personal book dealer because it meant that he had an excuse to have hours-long conversations with him. That would be absurd. Completely ridiculous. 

Magnus was working on one of the desktop computers, helping to write-up the inventory logs from this past week into the digital spreadsheet they kept. It was a task that some found arduous, but to him it was quite calming. Sometimes doing the easy things were just what he needed to find inner peace. 

That peace didn't last long. About fifteen minutes in he was distracted by the sound of someone repeatedly adjusting their chair, raising and lowering it, lowering and raising it. He tried to ignore it for about half a minute before he was forced to tear his eyes away from the computer screen.

He was surprised to see it was Brooklyn, sitting in the row of computers in front of him. Messing with the chair aside, he simply looked bored. 

"Brooklyn, is there something I can help you with?" Magnus asked politely, not as irritated by the distraction now as he initially was.

Brook sighed dramatically, "Ethan's in a meeting, and Alec is taking a shower. There's nothing to do."

It was a bit entertaining to see the Raven experience such a normal emotion, after over a month of such strong ones. 

"You could help me with the inventory logs, if you'd like. Or, I'm sure Simon wouldn't mind if you wanted to try playing his guitar."

Brooklyn's nose crinkled at the suggestion. "He annoys me."

"Simon?"

"Why is he so... optimistic? I swear by the angel if he tries to talk to me for more than a second I will poke my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon."

Magnus grimaced. "Graphic. And, you should know that he will grow on you after awhile."

Brooklyn looked horrified. "No offense, but I'd rather have sex with a woman."

A new voice entered the conversation. "The day you have sex with a woman is a day I never want to see."

"Alec!" Magnus greeted, "Thank goodness you're here. You can entertain Brooklyn will I get my work done."

Brook made grabby hands at Alec, who rolled his eyes in return before plopping down into his lap. Those two were like cats, they minded each other to the extreme, but would unleash their rage if someone they didn't approve accidentally got too close. 

"Magnus suggested I spend time with Steve," Brooklyn whispered, as if he were sharing the latest celebrity scandal.

Alec shoot Magnus a look. Seriously, he was never going to get his work done now. These two distractions were impossible to shake.

"Who's Steve?" Simon asked curiously, having approached the group. He handed Magnus some more inventory logs from the kitchen, with notes written in the margin about what they were running low on. 

"Sorry, I think we gotta go, uh, tie my shoes," Alec got up suddenly, his friend close behind, nodding enthusiastically. Both of them were barefoot. 

"Yeah, I think we really need to, check up on that hedgehog," Brook added, both spinning on their heels and power-walking away.

"There's a hedgehog? Where?" Simon seemed excited at the prospect, and Magnus gave him a shrug, turning back to his computer. 

Poor Steve. 


	25. I've been Burning

Alec took a deep breath of the outdoor air. It was crisp, the tangy taste of an incoming storm stinging his nostrils. Despite the grey and cloudy skies it was still bright out and from the expansive field he was sat in he could see for miles. 

The crackle of lightning and the encore of thunder roared from behind him. Yet, he remained unmoving. There was no point in trying to escape the unavoidable. 

He decided to lay on his back, the plush grass tickling his neck. Alec closed his eyes. He felt like he was weightless, floating despite being grounded by gravity. 

When he opened them again, fear struck him to his core. The sky had turned blood red, crimson clouds enveloping everything he had believed to be safe. He tried getting up, but he was being crushed, dense air holding him prisoner.

Invisible forces dictated his actions, decided they wanted Alec to stay right where he was. 

Screaming. Who was screaming? It wasn't him, he could barely breathe anymore. He turned his head, desperate to know what was going on. 

And, fuck. 

Forlorn eyes matched the voices of the varying screams, hundreds of bodies thrashing on the ground around him. It was a bloodbath. Alec couldn't believe they were still alive with how beaten and grisly they looked. 

They weren't screaming for help. 

They were shrieking to get away from him. 

The children, all of them. Some were so innocently young that they still had baby fat to lose from around their faces. 

Alec had killed them all. He had done this to them. He wanted more than anything to be able to move, get up, to help them. He didn't mean to hurt them. He couldn't believe he was capable of something like this. 

"I'm sorry," he gasped, but they only got louder, drowning him out.

"I'm sorry!" he tried again. 

"Alec! Hey!" 

Alec gasped awake. 

Magnus was kneeling in front of him, hands raised in surrender. "It's okay, Alec. You're okay, you're safe now."

He was at the rebel base. He was in his bed, and the room was empty sans the two of them. 

Alec shook his head, shrinking into himself. 

Magnus kept rambling, "you're safe now, you're going to be okay."

Alec kept shaking his head. "Don't, Magnus. I don't deserve this."

"What are you talking about?" 

He couldn't bear looking him in the eyes. He might be safe, but they weren't. He had made sure they would never be okay ever again. His hands had played a part in their murder, the permanent and violent separation between them and their loved ones. 

How could he have done this? Alec felt like he was going to be sick.

"Alec, please, talk to me."

"I'm a monster," he spat, the words bitter on his tongue. 

Magnus looked like he had been struck. "You're not. Don't say that.

"Alexander, you are not a monster. The Clave made you believe that you needed to do what you did or that you would become unsafe again. They used your fear to manipulate you, but that doesn't make you a monster. It makes you a victim, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Tell me, do you think any less of Brooklyn for what he's done? Do you think he should hate himself for what happened to him?"

He took a deep breath before answering, "of course not. He doesn't deserve the pain."

Magnus smiled. "Neither do you. You two went through the exact same thing, and you both deserve recovery. You both deserve to try and feel happy again."

"Why are you so kind? How can you forgive me so easily? I'm part of the reason you're in pain, I know about your friend."

"Ragnor, if he were still here, would not blame you for what happened to him. I forgive you, Alexander, because even if you had been the one to take Ragnor away, the Clave would've hurt you if you tried disobeying them. I think there's something you need to see."

Magnus extended a hand, and he took it, not having it in him to protest.

He was led to the conference room, guided to sit in a chair as Magnus prepared a laptop next to him. Alec zoned out a bit at the methodical typing and clicking, but was brought back by the light pressure of a hand on his shoulder. 

"We weren't sure when would be the right time to show this to you, because we didn't want to stir up any bad memories. But, I think you need to see this. I'm not going to lie, Alec, it's not, it's not pretty. If you want to stop, we can, but I know you're struggling to file all your new and old memories. This might help. If anything, this will help you see why I don't blame you for anything."

It was a video file, and as Magnus clicked play, Alec knew to expect something ugly from his time at the Institute. 

Sure enough, there he was in high definition, strapped into a chair, face blank. 

"You disobeyed the Clave," Aldertree's voice spoke behind the camera, "we can only keep you safe if you follow orders. There will be consequences for your actions."

A Dove walked forward, injected Alec of the past with something, who didn't even flinch at the prick of a needle. 

A screen must've been turned on, because in the video, Alec was illuminated with the artificial blue glow of a television. 

_"Isabelle," Alec gasped, eyes growing wide._

_Screaming filled the room. Alec thrashed against his restraints, crying out. He looked crazed, beyond help._

"They would temporarily stop the effects of the Instinct serum and threaten your family, make you believe they would do the same to them as they did to you, if you didn't do what they asked of you. You did disobey, Alec, refused to kill," Magnus explained, "you still believed in trying to do the right thing, even after they tried so hard to break you."

Truth be told, Alec didn't remember this, anything from the video before him or the words being said to him. There was a lot of information crammed in his head, so many manipulated memories that it was hard to tell what was real, what was made-up. He didn't recognize this Alec on the screen. He wasn't sure he recognized the Alec he was now. 

"I forgive you, Alexander. But, there's nothing to forgive. You didn't deserve this, any of this."

And, just like that, he broke down. He became nothing more than a pile of trembling bones and waterworks and the ghost of the pain he was and had caused. 

Warm arms, strong and sure, enveloped him, holding Alec together so he didn't have to. Arms that made him feel the shame ooze out of him, that made him believe that maybe he could be whole again. Be more than just a pile of broken pieces, help him recognize himself despite the shattered mirror he looked through. 

Calming down, he finally made eye contact. 

Warm brown eyes looked back at him, full of admiration and care, like Alec was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Like a rare artifact to behold, to be treated with the upmost love. 

"You are strong, Alec, and you will come to see it. You don't need to be saved, because you're not broken."

Unable to help himself, he felt himself slowly lean it, the space between Magnus and him like a magnet giving Alec no choice as he was pulled in. In a trick of the light, it seemed Magnus was leaning in as well. 

Their lips met, and Alec's mind was quiet for the first time in ages. He didn't worry about being safe or unsafe, because in that moment he felt untouchable. The most powerful person in the whole damn universe. 


	26. such a burden, this Flame

"Magnus, I don't know if this is a good idea," Alec admitted. It had been a few days since their first kiss, and it hadn't been their last. 

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want you to feel like you need to be with me out of pity, nor do I want you to believe that I'm some sort of project to be worked on. I know that I'm a mess, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone because they want to try and fix that mess."

Magnus took his hand, looking deeply into his eyes, sending a shiver down Alec's spine. "I'm not attracted to you because you have problems, if that's what you're worried about. I haven't been in a relationship for awhile, and the reason behind that is I was in a relationship that was very toxic and did a number on my self-confidence. I've been afraid to put myself back out there because I was afraid of getting hurt, because I had problems of my own that I don't want to unload on another person. I'm a mess, you're a mess, no one is not a mess.

"Alexander, I'm attracted to you because you're beautiful. You're intelligent, with such a thirst for knowledge that I don't think could ever possibly be quenched. You're strong, and you don't let what happened to you define you. When you smile, every time I feel like I've been knocked off my feet. You make me believe that there's still good in this world, that the reason a change is undergoing is because of that good."

Magnus got quieter with his next words. "But, if you don't feel like you're ready, I'm not going to pressure you into anything. I will wait for you, if that's what it takes."

Alec could feel a blush rising on his cheeks, and he scratched the back of his head as he tried to assemble his scrambled thoughts into coherent speech. "I'm just worried that I'm not ready for a relationship because I don't have enough to give. How am I supposed to love another person when I barely love myself? What if I let you get close and all it does is hurt you?"

Magnus was rubbing circles into his hands, and he was grateful for the soothing motion. 

"Alec, love isn't always sunshine and happiness. Pain is inevitable when it comes to love, because it hurts to see the person you care about most be in pain. I've seen the pain that love can cause a person, but it's worth it. I wouldn't be here with you now if I didn't want to be vulnerable around you, didn't want you to be vulnerable around me. I know that you would never purposely cause me pain, and that's all that matters. If you wish to wait until your mental health improves, that's your decision, and I understand. But, relationship or not, I want to be here for you. I don't want you to feel alone as you overcome your demons. I've been there, and no one deserves to go through it without people being right behind them, to catch them if they fall."

He took some deep breaths, feeling overwhelmed. He couldn't believe someone else would ever see him in such a light. But, maybe, if Magnus thought Alec was worth a breadth of his time, that meant that Alec could grow into the person he wanted to be.

"Okay," he agreed, "but I want to take things slow. I don't have all the answers right now, and I'm still working on myself."

Magnus smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

-

There was probably no other person on Earth as patient as Magnus Bane, Alec concluded a week later. He stayed true to his word, supporting Alec with every step, a shoulder to lean on, someone willing to listen. If he needed space, he wasn't questioned. It was so... 

He was perfect.

Alec kept waiting for the ball to drop. 

There was no way someone like Magnus was attracted to the human disaster that was Alec Lightwood, trauma aside. He was clumsy, his limbs too long for his brain to control. He would occasionally stumble over his words, or simply be rendered speechless. His snark could be like a whip, instinctual responses to people's complaints, and he could tell that his words stung like a wasp. He didn't mean to be mean, but he wasn't exactly great at sugarcoating. 

Magnus was eloquent. He always knew what to say, he was effortlessly charming. People loved him.

People were still wary around Alec. In his defense, they steered clear of Brooklyn more than him. 

In Brooklyn's defense, someone had accidentally poured hot coffee on Ethan, and them getting flipped on their back as a result was purely a knee-jerk reaction. Brook had a protective streak, and had always been one prone to physical violence. 

There had been so many times where he had agitated Crows to get them to throw the first punch just so he would get into a fight. After the first few times, Alec stopped bothering to try and break them up, instead waiting until Brook was the last one standing (split knuckles the only injury to show he had been in a scuffle at all).

Magnus had also been opening up to Alec more and more, and even with his flaws and dark past, it was hard to see him as less than amazing. It had come to him that Magnus probably looked at him in a similar light. 

He was heading back to his shared room with Brooklyn and Ethan, but as he grabbed the doorknob, he heard something that gave him pause. Ugh. 

Ew. 

Forget that idea, Alec needed brain bleach for even the idea of his best friend doing hanky-panky. He was glad that he was happy and all that, but there were some things that he just never wanted to hear, see, whatever. 

"You alright there, Alec?" Izzy asked, giving him a funny look. And, yeah, he probably looked pretty stupid just standing in the middle of the hallway. 

"Ethan and Brook have made it so that instead of taking a nap, I have nowhere to go. I can't even grab my book, unless I want to scour my eyeballs out later with a rusty fork."

"Graphic. You could've just said they were having sex."

"Izzy!" he whined, moving to cover his ears at the offensive word.

"You haven't changed one bit. C'mon, I know where Raphael keeps his secret stash of mint chip ice cream," she laughed, still mocking him, not giving him much of a choice but to follow her as she dragged him away by the arm.


	27. fire replaced all the love

Alec was prodded awake, and before he could even shoot up and out of bed, Brooklyn was frantically tugging at his arm. 

"What?" he mumbled groggily, but came to as he took in Brook's disheveled look. He was only wearing shorts, the very clothes he had gone to sleep in, hair sticking in every direction. His eyes were bloodshot, darting around the dimly lit room. He was trembling, from head to toe. 

"Brook, hey, it's okay." Alec slowly stood up, resisting Brooklyn's pulling, even if the death grip on his wrist was starting to ache a bit. 

His friend mumbled something incoherent, shaking his head and continuing to babble nonsense. 

"We're safe, you're safe," he kept reassuring, getting a terrified scream in return. His heart clenched at the sound, and he took a step forward, trying to bring Brook into a comforting embrace.

Alec was met with resistance, more yelling now accompanied by shoving and pushing. 

The lights were turned on, the door slammed open. Alec registered a multitude of voices; Ethan, Magnus, Isabelle... Yet, it was impossible for him to turn his attention towards them, desperate to do everything in his power to try and bring Brooklyn back to him. 

"No! No! Alec!" Brook shrieked, pounding against his chest and thrashing in his arms. 

"Oaklyn, it's okay, you're safe," Ethan tried supplying, bringing a hand to his shoulder. 

Brooklyn shook it off, his outbursts coming nowhere closer to a cease. 

Deciding they needed a new tactic, Alec let go. Brooklyn spun away from him, backing himself into the far corner of the room. They all gave him space, but the feral look in his eyes stayed. 

"Brooklyn, what's wrong? Who's hurting you?" Alec asked, trying to help pull him out of the flashback, re-associate him with his present surroundings. 

Brook wasn't looking in his direction, instead focusing on something in the direction of Ethan's bed. 

The last thing they were expecting was for him to lunge. At first, Alec thought he was going to hide under the bed. 

Ethan was the first to react, quick to realize that Brook, in fact, was going for a knife stashed under the mattress. He was too late, because the second he got close, said knife was pointed straight at his chest. Alec had a sudden feeling of déjà vu. 

More people had gathered in the doorway, attracted to the commotion like bees to honey. 

Ethan stayed surprisingly calm given the circumstances. "Brooklyn, no one's hurting you. You're having a flashback, a memory from the past. No one is going to hurt you, you're safe. It's me, Ethan." 

Alec found himself unconsciously backing away from the situation, startling himself when he was met with a firm wall of muscle against his back. Glancing over his shoulder was Magnus, giving him a grim smile. Alec didn't step away, instead leaning further into him for support. 

There was a sudden gasp, a sharp intake of breath that drew his attention back to the situation. Adrenaline pumping, he leapt forward at the sight in front of him. 

Ethan looked like he was still registering the knife impaled in his stomach, like everything around him was happening in slow-motion. His hands were still held up in a gesture of surrender aimed at the timid animal in front of him. 

Alec shoved Brooklyn to the ground, both of them slamming into the concrete with enough force to knock the wind out of both of them. Brook began to try and wrestle him off, Alec giving his all in trying to pin the other to the ground. He should've never let him go. What was he thinking?

Ethan brought a hand to the stab wound, and looked at the blood on his outstretched hand like he was unsure of where it had come from. Magnus and Izzy had rushed to his side, supporting him and helping him to the bed while someone else ran for the medic. 

At the sight of blood, Brooklyn froze. 

Blinking slowly, his breathing began to even out. 

"What happened?" he asked no one in particular, still out-of-it. 

Then, "Ethan!" 

Alec kept him pinned down despite the renewed efforts to get out from under him, unwilling to risk trusting Brook when he still had the potential to hurt others. 

"It's okay, Alec, let him up," Ethan said, tone impassive to whatever he was feeling. Following orders, he did, letting Brooklyn help apply pressure to the wound he had inflicted. 

As Brook sobbed into his shoulder, muttering apologies, Ethan shushed him and gave him whispers of comfort. Feeling nauseous, Alec stormed out of the room, shoving past the amassed crowd in the hallway. He needed air. 

Sprinting until he was outside, the chilled night air that snipped at his skin was the only thing helping ground him, keep him from continuing to run until he collapsed. 

Sobbing, he collapsed to his knees, not sure how much more of this he could take. 

"Alec, hey." Magnus' voice was a surprising comfort, an expected one. 

Strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him into Magnus' lap. Gentle kisses were pressed into his hair, on his cheeks. He cried until the night sky's stars faded away, replaced by the dark blues and light pinks hinting of the morning sky's entrance, stage east. 

"I'm so tired," he finally admitted, "I just want to run away from it all." 

Magnus hummed in acknowledgement, arms tightening their embrace. "Then you should. You can always come back."

"And, if I don't want to? What if I want to stay away forever, never having anything to do with this place ever again? I can never be like I was in the past. There's so much pain in this present, so much tragedy. I still feel like I'm suffocating, like I'm still at the Institute, in the clutches of the Clave."

"Ethan's going to be okay, you know. The wound was shallow, didn't do any major damage."

"It's not just that, Magnus. It's not just Brooklyn. It's everyone. All I am is the Raven with broken wings. I wasn't even happy, when I was the Alec that Izzy remembered. I was deep in the closet and so stuffed with self-hatred that it's a miracle it was the Clave that ended my life and not myself. I can't remember ever just, being happy."

Magnus shifted under him, taking a slow breath, the inhale and exhale tickling the hairs on Alec's neck. "Tell me, Alexander, have there been moments of happiness, at least?"

The air was beginning to sting Alec's bloodshot eyes, so he closed them, burying his face further into Magnus' shoulder. He didn't even need to take a pause to think, the answer immediately at the tip of his tongue.

"You. You make me feel light. I don't forget, but it's like they don't matter when I'm with you."

"Then, don't leave my side. Because you make me feel light as well. I love you, Alexander."

A kiss was pressed into his hair, and his heart swelled. 

"I love you, Magnus. Promise, that you'll stay, here, with me."

"Say no more."

In an instant, Alexander Lightwood's trials and tribulations vanished. 

He was finally, truly, safe. It wasn't something he needed to repeat to himself, try to reassure himself. Because this time, he believed it throughout his whole being. The Clave would no longer hurt him, their grasp on him nevermore. 

-

_Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,_

_By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,_

_“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,_

_Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore—_

_Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”_

_Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”_

 

_-Edgar Allen Poe, "The Raven"_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writer's block vs. me; a thrilling saga...
> 
> I decided to make this into a series! Expect the sequel to emerge this coming July.


End file.
